Innocent love

Hope I could step back few years and rectify my mistake. How one can be so ignorant that she can't even know what love is?

After teaching for four years I can understand the child psychology, that too when I can’t bear a child. May be I don't deserve one. May be a murderer doesn't deserve to be a mother. I am the reason for his death- my sweet little brother’s death. And the guilt deepened its root when one of my students few years back raised an unusual question I couldn't answer; or maybe I have no rights to answer his query. How can I say something about love, when I can't feel it around me? I know how it feels like for not being loved once in three years of married life.

One day, when I was preparing for my lecture in staff room, I found him looking at me as if I will understand that his heart; asking me to quit all my work and listen to his query, the query of innocent love. "Yes Beta, come in." A straight no followed my permission. "No, you come out". It reflected his disobedience, but I could sense something was disturbing this 10 year old kid. Kanav, student of V-B, one of my favorite student and more over favorite student of Meraj, my husband; who is his present class teacher.

"Yes beta, what happened to my kid?" The answer to my question was really shocking because I can't remember if I ever had argued or fought with Meraj in front of any of my students.

"Why don't you divorce Meraj Sir?"

I know everyone in the staff knew about the problems in our married life; but how come a ten year old kid can sense this, and without any delay I asked: “Why should I?"

"Because I love your husband and I want to marry him."

I can't laugh at his innocence; I can't even laugh at my ignorance. A single exchange of dialogues brought many dialogues from my past - striking me hard, and this time harder than before. Because I knew the climax; and I was equally responsible for the climax. Climax of my brother's life. Is this the time to rectify my mistake?

"I continued, "Why don't we both love him. He will be so glad to receive love from two lovers rather than one?"

"Yes, but what about our marriage?"

“You don't need to marry a person to love him or her.” (And sometimes, even marriage doesn't help) “Now you get back to your class, recess is over" and he moved back with a smile, yet a "but" on his face.

“I am not feeling well; I won’t be able to take classes in the second half. Please engage someone else to my class" I told our vice Principal and moved to the play ground; because of the advice that bulged out of my guilt.

Mischievous kids; ready for a full-on energy kick to the football. The sun can't stop them. The dust can't stop them. I feel like spending my entire day looking at those kids; but soon the scene changed: ground with a magnificent lavishing hall, football polls with the furnishings, soil with traditional carpet and ‘smiles and excitement’ with ‘sorrow and anger’. It wasn't a dream; I can recognize every character. As if a déjà vu I can even recollect the sequence of dialogues. But the only dialogues hitting my ear were: “Islam doesn't allow a man to love a man; and a sinner need to be punished”. “Because of you, they can pariah us from the society." Alternately each set of words were re-winded by my mind because I knew what happened next and I don't desire my eyes to see that scene: The scene occupied with annoyance and disgust- the scene that forced my sweet brother to destroy him. Everything became blurred behind my tears and it was soon replaced by the scene of playful kids.

It was almost 1 pm; soon the bell will ring and kids will come out of their respective classes, rushing each other to get back to their homes. I, along with a guilt-made-advice stepped towards Kanav's classroom. The bell rang. I asked him to stay in the class. But he wasn't alone in the class, because every student knew it can't be a punishment for hm; might be he may get some extra sweets or something. And finally, I need to shout at them, “Move out of the class". Slowly ... slowly ... with every step they looked back and finally moved out.

Now only we both were in the class. "Mam I may miss my bus". I ignored his plea (I am still an ignorant?) and continued, "Beta you remember what all I told you in the recess?"

"Yes mam, two lovers, more love".

"Yes indeed but you need to assure me one thing- whatever you told me today, you won't share it with anyone else."

I always carried the guilt of killing my brother; but it is a fact that most parts of the society are the victims of same ignorance. They can't understand love is for soul; and soul has no gender. And since everyone can't understand this; so I think one should not come out as gay until he is sure enough that he can explain them what exactly he is as well as they are ready to understand the same. And this will only happen if the other person really deserves to know this actuality. Four years ago, my brother told me that he is in love with Meraj. I can't afford that my brother is gay and that too in love with my fiancé. I told abba everything about him. What followed this was.... The luxurious mansion lost its opulence. The interior may shines but I can hear the walls weeping till date.

But Kanav was a small kid, 10 year old kid. What he knows about love; about being gay; and about this society and culture. So, I decided to understand what all he goes through, what all he feels because more than helping him; I wanted to help me to come out of this guilt. Selfish me, and my selfish thoughts. But I still I had a doubt - Is he really gay? Or is this a random liking for someone whom you love. Since my brother's death I secretly read a lot of books on homosexuality and I decided not to come to any conclusion without any surety. Giving time; and a lot of time was the only solution left.

I want to spend time with him and annual picnic was one such day. I took permission from our principal for organizing picnic for class V this year along with Meraj. For the first time, I and Meraj went for a picnic together. But the plan didn't work as I expected. I can't give time to a single child when I was having the responsibility of the entire class. But it was the first step through which I could feel the love of Kanav towards my husband. He followed Meraj wherever he went; may it be the washroom.

One afternoon, I thought of requesting Kanav's parents to allow him to visit our home for a Sunday. They disagreed. And instead they called principal mam to know what kind of academic session is this. She knew I can't bear a child; considering my motherly desires; she requested them and they made my Sunday- Our Sunday superb.

Everyone thought I can't bear a child; but the fact is my husband doesn’t want to have a child. Because a part of guilt that covers my body is still a part of his heart. He knew why my brother committed suicide; and somewhere we both are the culprits. He never forgave me; and not yet forgiven himself. According to Islam, a sinner committed another sin by committing suicide; and we are the sinners because we are the part of his sins. The only sin of loving someone.

That particular Sunday brought a ray of hope in my life. Not just of freedom from guilt; but being loved by my husband. He kissed me for the first time that day after we were married. Meraj was never a hard man, but circumstance and time changed him a lot. We both were sometimes not able to look into each others' eyes since the guilt was so intense. He fought to his family to marry me. Yes, it was a love marriage which never ever had love after marriage.

We had lunch together that day; all three in a single plate. Because he wanted so. We played lots of games. Because he wanted so. He kissed Meraj and I did the same. Again, because he wanted so; and this is how his parents show love. And here, for him, we all three love each other.

We both enjoyed his company, and unexpectedly because of him, me and Meraj were being happier together. That Sunday followed by many such Sundays. Once a month, he uses to visit our place. Their family also invited us for dinner sometimes. Things changed day by day; month by month and finally year by year. Kanav's love, his innocent love, brought us together once again. I wanted him to lead a good life, I wanted that I should be free from guilt; but there was also something else God wanted. And our destiny was written by Him. When the things went worst between Meraj and me, and we decided for split, Kanav came to our life and changed everything.

Years passed and still Kanav use to visit our place. Now not just we two, but we all four enjoy Kanav's company. We: I, Meraj and our two sons. This year Kanav will pass-out from our school but I know now he is mature enough now to take his decisions. Since past seven years, the day he told about his feelings for Meraj till today; we shared a relation much more than of a teacher and student. He sometimes feels shy of what all he told me; but I love him for carrying such a pure heart. Now, he has a boyfriend too, I don’t know who he is but I am sure whosoever he is, he must be a nice guy. I have faith in Kanav; and I trust my Lord. May be he is not the same innocent kid, but more than that he knows who he is; proud of what he is; and most importantly he knows how to spread love; and how can a person who spreads love in everyone's life be a sinner?

The Making of "KARAN"

11 May, as your updates say, is my birthday. But, frankly speaking its not. You can wish me; I can't restrict anyone's wishes; but I think you must be aware of what you are wishing me for. Lets start with he basic ingredients in the making of Karan: Needs? Confusion? For me, they both contributed equally. And, hence started a new phase of my life, specifically gay life. I can't draw a sharp line between networking or dating; but my needs and confusions required both. Like the real world, it had the certainly similar features: it was different from what exactly looks like. You can find every kind of person right here. A single click can bring a wonderful friend in your life and the same click can introduce a sex seeker to you. More interesting cases were those who start up with friendship but end up with discussions only about sex. I didn't understood why a friend is interested in knowing my priorities on bed ?

So, 11 May 2009 was the day when Karan stepped his first step in this virtual world; when again a gay used a pseudonym to mask his orientation; when again a simple person tried understanding the complicated side of his life; and when I gradually understood Life is simple, take it simple.

I really thanks this virtual world for introducing many real friends in my life. Thanks Snoopy, Raj, Viraj, Karan, Udayan, Aaroh, Shaan, Shaan(2), Muffu, Gibben, butterscotch, Rohith, Soul, Kshitij, Sambhav, Susheel Inaayat, coolguy, Puneet, Vish, Sultry for being such a wonderful friend. If I forget your name, forgive Me.

So now you can shower your wishes over me. Because I am glad, and I am GAY :)

Valentine Night

My first coming out experience.

There was a time when manufacturing of Karan was not yet thought of. All queries that could challenge me to plan out this was under evolution to knock my mind in order to seek for a few questions. Questions that none of my acquaintance could answer, or maybe I was not courageous enough of ask them. There was a guy, precisely 19 year old, decent enough, coupled with usual confusions of many gays, in love with a guy again with the same précised age, who again was decent enough, may or may not be confused, may or may not be gay; unpredictable human psychologies. The best way to substitute these may and may not, or the best way to get answers was to ask queries.

Scratching every corner of my memory, I could collect few dead roses, a wet pillow, a long night walk, many missed calls, few smses (not replied till date), the revealing and the followed silence, still wrapped in those cells. It was 14th of Feb. last year, when finally I decided to face the exact definition of this relation: bromance or romance?

We shared a relation in which there were no blur sides, no buried truth and sometimes no serious talks. Our phone calls many a times lasted till early morning, that too after being together in college. The story even accompanied banter of being referred as gay couple. I enjoyed it but he never did. My curiosity to know the other side or my impatience to know him decided to avoid the pointless bathos in my story. Finally, I expressed whatever I feel for him on the valentine night.

"Yaa, Yaa. I am also gay. Happy and Gay", he asserted to my proposal. If not today, it will never happen, so I decided to be serious. “But I am serious this time."
"So do I. Bro, don't take those pranks so seriously.” he replied. Without discussing it further, I proposed him. "Yes, I love you." He understood my serious tone, and silence sustained for few minutes. I continued explaining him, whatever I felt or him; but everything went wrong. We finally concluded our call with no phone calls from now onwards. I was pissed off with his reaction, and I didn’t received any of his calls that night. Missed calls followed non replied smses.

It took time but I realized I was forcing him to be in my shoes, but that can't happen. If you plan to come out to someone, give him/her the proper time to digest the truth. In the end, things will be surely well. I experienced, so I can assure. I called him, but now it was time for missed calls on his cell. He was not receiving my calls. And finally I received a text message from him, “Be strict to your decision." I messed up with the relation I loved the most. A month passed with no exchange of words, and even none of our friends noticed that. Ego redefined our relation; a relation of acting like strangers. But, I knew everything will sort out with time.


In the mid of May, I discovered a video on youtube of NDTV Salaam Zindagi (broadcasted on 7th august 2008); followed by few more good videos. That was the time when I was reborn with the pseudonym Karan. I thought of explaining him everything again and in a new way, and he gave all his ears to my words. I showed him my fake profile and those videos. What I was unable to do, Karan did. Ironically, what I was unable to do, I did. He reacted differently this time, I must say positively this time. But still one question was hanging around; "Was the decision to quit talking a good option?"


And there came an unexpected answer from him, “I thought you are thinking too much over this topic because of those pranks or may be because of our long phone calls. I thought because of me, you are regarding yourself gay" Under the name of ego, care still was doing its job. And with time the same old understanding retained in our relation. Now I can discuss anything with him. Even he use to show me cute guys, ask about my dates, tease me, support me when I feel low. And I love it. Once he told me,“You don't look like a gay." Hence, I felt the importance of coming out. Not only he, there are many ignorant people around us who regards gays as feminist guys. To scratch out this age old ignorance, coming out is important. And what’s more importance is the way you come out and to whom you come out. Express as if you are explaining a nursery kid, and make sure that the kid really deserves to know who you are.


Mr. XYZ or Karan Sood

The Other Side

1. Girl friend

Lets explore about our orientation, and the only required apparatus for experiment is a girlfriend.

The "straight" gay panics:

Mammoth might kill me,
I won't sleep alone tonight.
.
.
.
Earlier who shared interests now share a relation,
Requesting a refusal to God's decision.
Under the name of sandwich, digesting
two dry pieces of bread without butter.



2. Diffusion

Sometimes, it’s just an odour that dominates every physical feature.

Fresh forever, fragranced forever,
Few artificial fruits in the basket,
decayed a lively fruit last Night.

.

.

Diffused souls, diffused fragrance.
But artificial tricks followed nature’s deception,
Certainly, he was again pricked by Light.



3.Blind

Avoid Rejection, play a blind date. But to avoid preliminary rejection, play well over the chat.

Portrayal of new patina over the same old flesh,
Fake blushes counted in,
double-entendre behind lash.
.
.
Wicked mind over the availability of space,
Beneath dubious pranks,
initiates the unhurried race.



4.Come on YM

How can you think of friendship without sharing, may it be your pics or cell numbers?

“I am just here for friendship",
moulds to "What’s your priorities?"

Unwilling display of patience,
dominated by unbearable desires.

Bathos in the dialogue delivery,
cracks the crust of lusty fire.



5.Bromance or Romance?

In love with a straight guy, why not to go for some conversion techniques?

Jack took Jill up to the hill to pour out forbidden emotions,
Jill fell down and trauma touched the ground,
Yet Jack was occupied in blind devotion.
.
.

If you can think of conversion,
and close eyes in name of dark vision,
What kind of love is there in your relation?


NOW CHECK OUT THE CRITICAL REVIEW OF THIS POEM ON The Forth Dimension


(Thoughts behind my words:

Part1: Girl Friend

These lines refers a gay, who thinks having a girl friend can change things in his life. He panics for the things that doesn't exist ( mammoth). His confusions lies between request and refusal.

Part2: Diffusion

The idea can out while reading the "about me" column of a guy, where it was written, " Body odours cannot be tolerated". Further, I tried expressing that the beauty of soul cannot be replaced with any of the artificial deo/perfume.

Part3: Blind

Blind establishes the state of mind during a blind date. The qualms and frozen desires.

Part4: Come on YM

I know all gays are quite aware how some online chats diverts unintentionally.

Part5: Bromance or Romance?

Jack is love with a straight guy, Jill. Jack's friend suggest him to try to change Jill's orientation. Jill falls refers to Jack's techniques to convert him and Jack closes his eyes refers to his act of being blind when he can find its not good what he is doing. Finally it conclude with the question mark over the kind of Jack's love.)

Personal Experience

Maintaining few millimeter distance between the paper and pen for few minutes, I let them meet to write something like "Personal experience" for Sukhdeep's magazine (Gaylaxy). The last few occupied minutes didn't questioned me to how to begin, but my mind struck over " where to begin from?" Th minute hand had completed 2 complete rounds after midnight, I, the nocturnal creature, alone in my room trying to compensate my disturbed mind with the serenity outside. Disturbed ? Sometimes, the uncertain voids never let me established the reason behind them.

Personal Experiences, should it my the coming out melodramas or the pretence play that hate playing, my romantic dating or lusty desires thereafter, few break ups, certain confusions, spoiling my college grades or whatever a 20 year old gay experience usually. but what I am thinking right now is why to write a personal experience, and why me? Why to disclose a random page of my life so publicly ?

In this invisible domain, the white as well as the black shades never form a sharp boundary with the rainbow. Internet really turned out to be very helpful in increasing the visibility of the gay world, but when the things are coming out of obscurity, the other side really disturbs me somehow. Personally, being a highly spiritual person, I feel I am really not going on the right track, tracks with hours of chatting, meeting guys and all. Once you getting into it the desires never halts. The contours you try to fit are not exactly made for the given scene. From, personal experience, I feel the young generation should know where to draw to line.

I ponder, Sukdeep's disappointment after going through these loose ends. When i was told to write about any of my life experience, I came up with the gist of my entire gay life. But, if I would having so much control over my mind, I guess I would not be having any of such gay networking Ids.

The voids or the obscure contours, my curious yet disturbed mind and his opinion finally feels its more suited as a blog entry, than in the magazine.

Fixing Frank

“If there were a pill to make you straight, would you..?” Has anyone come across this question? Among us, one may find a person who somehow, at some point of time has had to deal with this doubt, whether it is our introspective self or a third person who perceives homosexuality a choice. image011

So, “Would you?” The movie, Fixing Frank, deals with the same question of identity crisis along with the contemporary hullabaloo on the adequacy (or rather the lack of it) of so-called conversion therapy.

This movie has three characters, Frank, a freelance journalist, his therapist husband Jonathan, and Dr Apsey. Dr Apsey is seemingly the ‘villain’, a psychologist whose notion of homosexuality is that it is a choice. He has a yellow pill that he claims has the power to conform a sad homosexual into a happy satisfied heterosexual.

As movie reels on, audience not only comes across a session of plausible arguments given by Dr Apsey but also the effect building upon Frank’s mind and heart. Though these logics actually do ample harm to the lives of Frank and Jonathan, the main cause of their failing relationship happens to be something else. The story has many twists and turns. All the three characters are strong and have equal exposure throughout the movie; still Jonathan’s character could have been extended. Actors have done great work, especially Dan Butler (Dr. Apsey). Butler, openly gay, has done brilliant work in the role of homophobic psychologist Dr. Apsey. The cinematography is a bit poor in some scenes, one may feel, the movie is absorbing not only because it was an adaptation of a staged play but also the theme and the way the scriptwriter has tackled the issue of conversion therapy.

This is a must watch for our community. Seldom are movies made on such themes and seldom we get to watch a good cinema like this.

(Written for Pink Pages)

Another Country

The film opens with a scene in contemporary Moscow where a wrinkle faced old man happens to be interviewed by an American lady reporter. As their conversation proceeds with the sips of scotch, the old man reminisces his life of his school days as “you have no idea what life in England in the 1930s was like.image012 Treason and loyalty, they’re all relative, you know. Treason to what? Loyalty to whom?” And the next scene is of an English public school, back in the days of the early 1930s, where students are coming to attend morning prayers.

Another Country is about a British born spy Guy Bennett who worked for Soviet Union. How this person becomes a spy against his own country instead becoming a diplomat for his country, is quite a tale that is spun in the script. Guy Bennett is a flamboyant, spoiled brat who has certainly great amount of inclination towards his own sex; he realizes that he is homosexual while seeking a guy named Harcourt. He confesses his love for Harcourt to his best friend Tommy Judd. Tommy is a die-hard Marxist, and has such firm faith in communism that he refuses to accept any reward such as becoming Prefect under the ‘bourgeoisie’ system of English public school. Seeing the prevalent hypocrisy about homosexuality within his schoolmates, Guy at last shows rebellion at the end of the movie and Tommy agrees with him – All problems solved for life. No Commies, No Queers.

This classic movie, made in 1984 in the era when homosexuals in England were still demanding their right to live freely, had created waves. With its astounding cinematography and powerful script, Another Country certainly etches onto the viewer’s mind. Actors, Rupert Everett (Guy Bennett) and Colin Firth (Tommy Judd) have given excellent performances in their debut film. The movie is full of some memorable lines, for instance, Guy Bennett (Rupert Everett) while watching Harcourt from a distance says to himself “There’s a little hollow at the base of his throat which makes me want to pour honey all over him, and lick it off again.” And some memorable scenes too, for instance that of Harcourt’s head lying upon Guy’s chest on a still boat in the middle of night. One can also appreciate the mellifluous soundtrack playing along various parts of the movie. The film is uniquely engrossing in many ways.

(Written for Pink Pages)