My first coming out experience.
There was a time when manufacturing of Karan was not yet thought of. All queries that could challenge me to plan out this was under evolution to knock my mind in order to seek for a few questions. Questions that none of my acquaintance could answer, or maybe I was not courageous enough of ask them. There was a guy, precisely 19 year old, decent enough, coupled with usual confusions of many gays, in love with a guy again with the same précised age, who again was decent enough, may or may not be confused, may or may not be gay; unpredictable human psychologies. The best way to substitute these may and may not, or the best way to get answers was to ask queries.
Scratching every corner of my memory, I could collect few dead roses, a wet pillow, a long night walk, many missed calls, few smses (not replied till date), the revealing and the followed silence, still wrapped in those cells. It was 14th of Feb. last year, when finally I decided to face the exact definition of this relation: bromance or romance?
We shared a relation in which there were no blur sides, no buried truth and sometimes no serious talks. Our phone calls many a times lasted till early morning, that too after being together in college. The story even accompanied banter of being referred as gay couple. I enjoyed it but he never did. My curiosity to know the other side or my impatience to know him decided to avoid the pointless bathos in my story. Finally, I expressed whatever I feel for him on the valentine night.
"Yaa, Yaa. I am also gay. Happy and Gay", he asserted to my proposal. If not today, it will never happen, so I decided to be serious. “But I am serious this time."
"So do I. Bro, don't take those pranks so seriously.” he replied. Without discussing it further, I proposed him. "Yes, I love you." He understood my serious tone, and silence sustained for few minutes. I continued explaining him, whatever I felt or him; but everything went wrong. We finally concluded our call with no phone calls from now onwards. I was pissed off with his reaction, and I didn’t received any of his calls that night. Missed calls followed non replied smses.
It took time but I realized I was forcing him to be in my shoes, but that can't happen. If you plan to come out to someone, give him/her the proper time to digest the truth. In the end, things will be surely well. I experienced, so I can assure. I called him, but now it was time for missed calls on his cell. He was not receiving my calls. And finally I received a text message from him, “Be strict to your decision." I messed up with the relation I loved the most. A month passed with no exchange of words, and even none of our friends noticed that. Ego redefined our relation; a relation of acting like strangers. But, I knew everything will sort out with time.
In the mid of May, I discovered a video on youtube of NDTV Salaam Zindagi (broadcasted on 7th august 2008); followed by few more good videos. That was the time when I was reborn with the pseudonym Karan. I thought of explaining him everything again and in a new way, and he gave all his ears to my words. I showed him my fake profile and those videos. What I was unable to do, Karan did. Ironically, what I was unable to do, I did. He reacted differently this time, I must say positively this time. But still one question was hanging around; "Was the decision to quit talking a good option?"
And there came an unexpected answer from him, “I thought you are thinking too much over this topic because of those pranks or may be because of our long phone calls. I thought because of me, you are regarding yourself gay" Under the name of ego, care still was doing its job. And with time the same old understanding retained in our relation. Now I can discuss anything with him. Even he use to show me cute guys, ask about my dates, tease me, support me when I feel low. And I love it. Once he told me,“You don't look like a gay." Hence, I felt the importance of coming out. Not only he, there are many ignorant people around us who regards gays as feminist guys. To scratch out this age old ignorance, coming out is important. And what’s more importance is the way you come out and to whom you come out. Express as if you are explaining a nursery kid, and make sure that the kid really deserves to know who you are.
Mr. XYZ or Karan Sood
