What matters in the End?

There was a king who made love with his mistress, behind his wife. And one day, the betrayal landed up in front of Queen. He did all to save his marriage. But for what: Love, family or Society?

As most people perceive gay relationships does not hold much role of society (unless you are out to your circle) and family (unless you adopted a child, both being a rare thing in typical Indian society). So, love is all it takes to hold their relationship. But, why would someone have a physical relationship with some other guy, unless he is not happily  committed with his partner?

"We both are not much connected with other anymore.",

 "I thought he is too seeing someone else.", 

" Even after months of commitment, he never satisfied me.", 

And, the list goes on when one had to blame his partner for the betrayal he devised. But, this story doesn't hold a bad partner. What if they were happily committed for say an year, and then someday, he did it. He had sex with someone else. 

Should he be courageous to tell his partner that he did so, or should he hide it from him? Will his partner forgive him or is it the "The End" of their love story?

It isn't an easy thing, i.e. being faithful in a gay relationship. There is continuous churning of emotions in and around that too when most can't drop those emotions to the people living around them. The kind of relationship I am talking about are all serious relationships. Relationships that hold soul mates theorem, relationships that are beyond parties and post parties, those selfless relationship that everyone desires at a time in life, but unfortunately couldn't meet up the requirements. 

What actually does a relationship require? Why and How it turns with time? And finally what matters in the end? That’s all I will talk about. I may sound subjective over emotions but the subject actually needs that delicate treatment under strong shoulders.

Is love is all it needs? Definitely not. Because love is never a need but an outcome from our needs. You need to be cared, and that might someday turn into love. You desire cuddling, kissing, holding, and that someday makes into love, you need someone to understand you, hold you when you need, and be faithful to you, that makes you to love him or her.

But, do you realize how risky are your needs? Have you ever seen any advertisement of mutual funds, they generally start with a placard saying, "Mutual funds investments are subject to market change, please read the documents carefully before investing." Relationships too hold the same funda. It's not a personal bond, but a mutual one that too subjected to market change. And reading the person is as important as reading those documents. And we read our counterpart to have their care, faith, trust and finally love. Risks are always involved, risk of being hurt, being betrayed, or hurting the other person. The market (circumstances, emotions) is always changing, and it's always up to you how long you will hold the invest in the funds (or relationship), irrespective of the crunches visible in the market.

Relationships these days do start on bed (couch-toilets-cars-etc), but that should and can never be the first document to be read, and if done, the relationship will surly won't last long. Remember, market change is never in our hand. 

As relationship ages, love grows, but it also witness the differences you both hold, which may range from food to positions, ideologies to expressions. There always comes a time when you think you can't take it anymore, and as in gay relationship you aren't bonded legally to be together, the thoughts of break up may conquer your mind. You may plan a betrayal, you may sleep with someone else, but remember what matters in the end? A click of second, and parts of wounded emotions create a trauma leaving behind the pages you both wrote together for your present and future. A wrong stitch may ruin everything you knitted in years. But, giving a chance in love is always feasible.

And you know what matters in the end? It's that he makes you happy out of anything and everything. Remember, this moment is momentary, life's way far beyond this.

The King indeed loved her wife (I know you may not agree), he obviously loved his family, and for the Kings, the society mattered a lot. And, of all he choose happiness. And, he did all to regain it. 

[Written for Gaylaxy Magazine]

Innocent love

Hope I could step back few years and rectify my mistake. How one can be so ignorant that she can't even know what love is?

After teaching for four years I can understand the child psychology, that too when I can’t bear a child. May be I don't deserve one. May be a murderer doesn't deserve to be a mother. I am the reason for his death- my sweet little brother’s death. And the guilt deepened its root when one of my students few years back raised an unusual question I couldn't answer; or maybe I have no rights to answer his query. How can I say something about love, when I can't feel it around me? I know how it feels like for not being loved once in three years of married life.

One day, when I was preparing for my lecture in staff room, I found him looking at me as if I will understand that his heart; asking me to quit all my work and listen to his query, the query of innocent love. "Yes Beta, come in." A straight no followed my permission. "No, you come out". It reflected his disobedience, but I could sense something was disturbing this 10 year old kid. Kanav, student of V-B, one of my favorite student and more over favorite student of Meraj, my husband; who is his present class teacher.

"Yes beta, what happened to my kid?" The answer to my question was really shocking because I can't remember if I ever had argued or fought with Meraj in front of any of my students.

"Why don't you divorce Meraj Sir?"

I know everyone in the staff knew about the problems in our married life; but how come a ten year old kid can sense this, and without any delay I asked: “Why should I?"

"Because I love your husband and I want to marry him."

I can't laugh at his innocence; I can't even laugh at my ignorance. A single exchange of dialogues brought many dialogues from my past - striking me hard, and this time harder than before. Because I knew the climax; and I was equally responsible for the climax. Climax of my brother's life. Is this the time to rectify my mistake?

"I continued, "Why don't we both love him. He will be so glad to receive love from two lovers rather than one?"

"Yes, but what about our marriage?"

“You don't need to marry a person to love him or her.” (And sometimes, even marriage doesn't help) “Now you get back to your class, recess is over" and he moved back with a smile, yet a "but" on his face.

“I am not feeling well; I won’t be able to take classes in the second half. Please engage someone else to my class" I told our vice Principal and moved to the play ground; because of the advice that bulged out of my guilt.

Mischievous kids; ready for a full-on energy kick to the football. The sun can't stop them. The dust can't stop them. I feel like spending my entire day looking at those kids; but soon the scene changed: ground with a magnificent lavishing hall, football polls with the furnishings, soil with traditional carpet and ‘smiles and excitement’ with ‘sorrow and anger’. It wasn't a dream; I can recognize every character. As if a déjà vu I can even recollect the sequence of dialogues. But the only dialogues hitting my ear were: “Islam doesn't allow a man to love a man; and a sinner need to be punished”. “Because of you, they can pariah us from the society." Alternately each set of words were re-winded by my mind because I knew what happened next and I don't desire my eyes to see that scene: The scene occupied with annoyance and disgust- the scene that forced my sweet brother to destroy him. Everything became blurred behind my tears and it was soon replaced by the scene of playful kids.

It was almost 1 pm; soon the bell will ring and kids will come out of their respective classes, rushing each other to get back to their homes. I, along with a guilt-made-advice stepped towards Kanav's classroom. The bell rang. I asked him to stay in the class. But he wasn't alone in the class, because every student knew it can't be a punishment for hm; might be he may get some extra sweets or something. And finally, I need to shout at them, “Move out of the class". Slowly ... slowly ... with every step they looked back and finally moved out.

Now only we both were in the class. "Mam I may miss my bus". I ignored his plea (I am still an ignorant?) and continued, "Beta you remember what all I told you in the recess?"

"Yes mam, two lovers, more love".

"Yes indeed but you need to assure me one thing- whatever you told me today, you won't share it with anyone else."

I always carried the guilt of killing my brother; but it is a fact that most parts of the society are the victims of same ignorance. They can't understand love is for soul; and soul has no gender. And since everyone can't understand this; so I think one should not come out as gay until he is sure enough that he can explain them what exactly he is as well as they are ready to understand the same. And this will only happen if the other person really deserves to know this actuality. Four years ago, my brother told me that he is in love with Meraj. I can't afford that my brother is gay and that too in love with my fiancé. I told abba everything about him. What followed this was.... The luxurious mansion lost its opulence. The interior may shines but I can hear the walls weeping till date.

But Kanav was a small kid, 10 year old kid. What he knows about love; about being gay; and about this society and culture. So, I decided to understand what all he goes through, what all he feels because more than helping him; I wanted to help me to come out of this guilt. Selfish me, and my selfish thoughts. But I still I had a doubt - Is he really gay? Or is this a random liking for someone whom you love. Since my brother's death I secretly read a lot of books on homosexuality and I decided not to come to any conclusion without any surety. Giving time; and a lot of time was the only solution left.

I want to spend time with him and annual picnic was one such day. I took permission from our principal for organizing picnic for class V this year along with Meraj. For the first time, I and Meraj went for a picnic together. But the plan didn't work as I expected. I can't give time to a single child when I was having the responsibility of the entire class. But it was the first step through which I could feel the love of Kanav towards my husband. He followed Meraj wherever he went; may it be the washroom.

One afternoon, I thought of requesting Kanav's parents to allow him to visit our home for a Sunday. They disagreed. And instead they called principal mam to know what kind of academic session is this. She knew I can't bear a child; considering my motherly desires; she requested them and they made my Sunday- Our Sunday superb.

Everyone thought I can't bear a child; but the fact is my husband doesn’t want to have a child. Because a part of guilt that covers my body is still a part of his heart. He knew why my brother committed suicide; and somewhere we both are the culprits. He never forgave me; and not yet forgiven himself. According to Islam, a sinner committed another sin by committing suicide; and we are the sinners because we are the part of his sins. The only sin of loving someone.

That particular Sunday brought a ray of hope in my life. Not just of freedom from guilt; but being loved by my husband. He kissed me for the first time that day after we were married. Meraj was never a hard man, but circumstance and time changed him a lot. We both were sometimes not able to look into each others' eyes since the guilt was so intense. He fought to his family to marry me. Yes, it was a love marriage which never ever had love after marriage.

We had lunch together that day; all three in a single plate. Because he wanted so. We played lots of games. Because he wanted so. He kissed Meraj and I did the same. Again, because he wanted so; and this is how his parents show love. And here, for him, we all three love each other.

We both enjoyed his company, and unexpectedly because of him, me and Meraj were being happier together. That Sunday followed by many such Sundays. Once a month, he uses to visit our place. Their family also invited us for dinner sometimes. Things changed day by day; month by month and finally year by year. Kanav's love, his innocent love, brought us together once again. I wanted him to lead a good life, I wanted that I should be free from guilt; but there was also something else God wanted. And our destiny was written by Him. When the things went worst between Meraj and me, and we decided for split, Kanav came to our life and changed everything.

Years passed and still Kanav use to visit our place. Now not just we two, but we all four enjoy Kanav's company. We: I, Meraj and our two sons. This year Kanav will pass-out from our school but I know now he is mature enough now to take his decisions. Since past seven years, the day he told about his feelings for Meraj till today; we shared a relation much more than of a teacher and student. He sometimes feels shy of what all he told me; but I love him for carrying such a pure heart. Now, he has a boyfriend too, I don’t know who he is but I am sure whosoever he is, he must be a nice guy. I have faith in Kanav; and I trust my Lord. May be he is not the same innocent kid, but more than that he knows who he is; proud of what he is; and most importantly he knows how to spread love; and how can a person who spreads love in everyone's life be a sinner?

Desires ...

On the desk of desires, I rest or rather I restrict myself between those similar faces. I stay here, I sleep here, I, a virgin piece of paper. And I am about to begin my biography, but believe me, no one ever inked it.

I don't know who all are they, but I am glad they don't recognize me, and even they can't listen the voice of my desires. Since, we all, whatever colour we carry, are made of the same raw material and by the same Creator. He, who made us, He, who made the ink, He who will give the reason for union.

I woke up in midnight, when someone opened the door, the door which was locked since I am here. The only thing I recognize of that time when I was brought here is those few words, “You are here, ink is here, but nothing could happen till someone switch on the light". My friends, the pile of pages between whom I stay (or I rest or I restrict myself or I sleep), call the person behind those words as "He". The cacophonous sound of the door made us conscious. I could smell the unsullied air, but soon I felt it’s the same that tried touching me since years, months and days. Someone (or maybe He), switched on the light, and I felt delighted and at the same time I panicked. He may recognize me. Dust, all over the desk. I thought there's only a single desk in the room, but there were many, all sheltered with dust, all victim of darkness. I tried finding the other end of the room, but I failed. The lamps on other desks were yet off. Someone else may be assigned to their desk, someone, who may be "He" but with another name.

Soon, without uttering a single word, He picked the foremost page from the pile to which I belong. It was white, the obvious choice of purity. But I don't know why "He" is spending so much time on cleaning to dust over this page. Might be because he is He, or might be someone who follows Him. With time, I could feel the swell in intensity of glow over me. Someone is surely picking up pages. Now, they no more remain virgin. But I was curious to know, what after that? What after I lose my virginity? I was waiting for years to be filled, but when I am about to be filled, I am thinking about: what next. 'He' might know the reason that why we always desire for better tomorrow rather than a present yet he never respond us. Better to say He never give us a direct answer. What’s in my destiny, what will make me absolute tonight?

A quote of joy and happiness,
or a rhyme on fire and ice,
Few words on curiosity,
or an account of love and desire?


Every passing hour intensified the light, intensified my excitement, but what if the ink get over while it’s my turn. Do they have another one? The one that I want: crimson red. If, but, how, why always conquered my juvenile psyche. Someone touched me; I can't see anything else now, just the intense glow over me. From where does this lamp borrow so many glows? And without expectations, it is sharing its warmth with me. I forget about getting filled when the elegance of the warmth felt. I realized what will happen when I ll be filled. When I am empty I could feel the utmost light.
The realization changed the aura, I felt like moving away from the light, yet close to it. Yes, I was right. The moment ink could touch me; I was far away from it. Blown with the wind, now I was in the air. Flying without any restriction, above the world so pleasing, like a bird I flied, cuddling with the air, kissing the light, I felt what I desired.
I knew it won’t last forever, but now I desired to be in the air forever. It’s not what I desire but what’s in my destiny. Soon I will land up, and don’t know who will fill me? Now will I ever be completed, but I don’t care about that, since I enjoyed my present. I yet retain my virginity, and yet I experienced love.
The rains witnessed my pleasure, or my pleasure witnessed the rains. The sprinkling droplets over me made me realize I am going to hit the earth soon. Earth? I never heard this word earlier, but it came out of me? I am wet, ready to dissolve, a crimson red drop of blood over one of my corner. Blood? I never heard this word earlier, but it came out of me? Prepared to sleep again, I was forced to lay down, no more cuddling, no more kissing. I, completely soaked with a stain. Incomplete, yet feeling complete …


And since you will never know why it happened to me, I am about to tell you the dark secret of my life. Dark: not because I regretted it, dark because you were not ready to switch on the light. Dark: because their always remained layers of dust around us. Dark, because so is the nature of ink. Dark: because everyone desire for the ink. But that does not trouble me anymore, and I can freely share that I had been a virgin Pink page once. Pink, not just the colour for the queer but the best. And to be the best, enlightenment is what you should desire. I am pink, I am enlightened, yet the dilemma is: Am I still virgin?

( Now a part of Gaylaxy )

Crimson red

The buoyancy of those "lovely" thoughts plucked me from the garden of desires, raised me to the cloud nine, “yes, this is the time to reap", they whispered, but how long can I challenge the gravity pull?
Lovely, or probably "friendly" or "lusty", not just three words, but three perspectives. And I never wanted to bind this account to any particular angle and inclination, since I knew how they felt, even if I never accepted. They, not "He", "He" and "me", but "I”,"I" and "I" constituted this account, an account or just an unfinished page from their biographies.

Sheldon
23 June 09, 8 p.m.
May be coincidence, but we both shared the same colour to be honored as our favorite, and for the very obvious reason, this colour need to witness these wonderful moments today. The love in me cannot be focused on a single person; I love each and every person in my life. And, this is what I am made for, loving. But I don’t know why its tending to segregate in the corner of my heart reserved only for Ansh. Before my mind gets struck over these thoughts of love and life, I mingled these chains of thoughts with: “Had I done all my preparations for today's Dinner?"
"Yaa, I am almost done", but why to take a chance. Let me go through the check list:

* Butter paneer masala: Ready. ( I just love to cook for him)
* Naan: I need to order them once he arrive (He never minds in referring to my inefficiency of cooking naan)
* Mong daal halwa: ready ( I dont like it much, but you now know, who ll appreciate it)
* Starters on the table and Chocolates in the freezer.

Feelings within, smile on the face,taste in the food, yet missing was our color.

Candles, crimson red. Curtains, crimson red.
The ribbons of the night, crimson red.
My other side, crimson red.

Three years, not just of my graduation, but when I experienced most from my life. Yet, I still regret the number of times I seized voice from my words. This will gonna be another such night, and undoubtedly my last night in this wonderful city, where I realized for the time what love is. Probably we will meet again, may be in months or years, but things won't be the same. And how can I expect them to me, distance really creates distance. But there’s still an appreciable life above all these regrets, the life shared with him.


Neel
23 June 09, 8 30 p.m.
May be coincidence, but we both shared the same colour to be honored as our favorite, and for the very obvious reason, this colour need to witness these wonderful moments today. Seldom have I encountered my desires since I know it’s futile to let them shape their own way. I turned 22 last night, still single, still virgin. How long am gonna cover my sexual desires under the name of masturbation, watching porn or unusual erections at public places? Before getting into a relationship its important to know, that are we both comfortable with the physical relationship or not. He won't understand these things, all he wants is to name the relation, and may it remain misnomer. Anyways, I know he won't regret my initiation but it won't be love, but just sex. Not any union of souls, without any halo, without touching eternal grounds.
He was on time with the same innocent smile, the same bright eyes reflecting enormous love for me. Hope he don't accept commitment from me after this night. Its better to leave it on time, the night is ours, the stars and the moon so elegant, witnessed by our colour.

My T shirt, crimson red. Condoms, crimson Red.
The liquid of the night, crimson red.
Inside me, crimson red.


Ansh
23 June 09, 10 30 p.m.
May be coincidence, but we both shared the same colour to be honored as our favorite, and for the very obvious reason, this colour need to witness these wonderful moments today. I was on time and I was late too. He was satisfied and so was he, and ironically I was struggling between the confusions of the satisfying desires. I was not sure what exactly I wanted, and may be they were also in the same dilemma. Anyways, I left everything on time.
He was different this night, He, the reasons behind my masturbation. He, the reason behind those hormonal secretions. A single knock welcomed me with an unforgettable kiss. He kissed me for the first time, and may be the last. I was welcomed as never before, and I left that place as never before, without even uttering a word I left that place, left him, left that crimson red night.

Few spots, crimson red. Curious dots, crimson red.
Jovial desires, crimson red.
Dying Roses, crimson red.

Till I could reach Sheldon's place, the past hour with Neel left strong images behind my cornea that I couldn't even felt the traffic outside, the vociferous sounds, the darkness or the headlights chasing me. The time between my second knock at the door and Sheldon's welcome smile was enough for me to realize that it wasn't love, but even I wasn't sure that was it just sex? Dilemmas and confusions are always there in relations, that why I want them to be named for the sake of emotions.
But, soon dying roses regained life this night. Tomorrow's distance brought us closer this night, his love was only for me this night, and I named it love this night. I made love for the first time in my life, the love when two souls united, me and Sheldon.

( Now a part of Gaylaxy )