Desires ...

On the desk of desires, I rest or rather I restrict myself between those similar faces. I stay here, I sleep here, I, a virgin piece of paper. And I am about to begin my biography, but believe me, no one ever inked it.

I don't know who all are they, but I am glad they don't recognize me, and even they can't listen the voice of my desires. Since, we all, whatever colour we carry, are made of the same raw material and by the same Creator. He, who made us, He, who made the ink, He who will give the reason for union.

I woke up in midnight, when someone opened the door, the door which was locked since I am here. The only thing I recognize of that time when I was brought here is those few words, “You are here, ink is here, but nothing could happen till someone switch on the light". My friends, the pile of pages between whom I stay (or I rest or I restrict myself or I sleep), call the person behind those words as "He". The cacophonous sound of the door made us conscious. I could smell the unsullied air, but soon I felt it’s the same that tried touching me since years, months and days. Someone (or maybe He), switched on the light, and I felt delighted and at the same time I panicked. He may recognize me. Dust, all over the desk. I thought there's only a single desk in the room, but there were many, all sheltered with dust, all victim of darkness. I tried finding the other end of the room, but I failed. The lamps on other desks were yet off. Someone else may be assigned to their desk, someone, who may be "He" but with another name.

Soon, without uttering a single word, He picked the foremost page from the pile to which I belong. It was white, the obvious choice of purity. But I don't know why "He" is spending so much time on cleaning to dust over this page. Might be because he is He, or might be someone who follows Him. With time, I could feel the swell in intensity of glow over me. Someone is surely picking up pages. Now, they no more remain virgin. But I was curious to know, what after that? What after I lose my virginity? I was waiting for years to be filled, but when I am about to be filled, I am thinking about: what next. 'He' might know the reason that why we always desire for better tomorrow rather than a present yet he never respond us. Better to say He never give us a direct answer. What’s in my destiny, what will make me absolute tonight?

A quote of joy and happiness,
or a rhyme on fire and ice,
Few words on curiosity,
or an account of love and desire?


Every passing hour intensified the light, intensified my excitement, but what if the ink get over while it’s my turn. Do they have another one? The one that I want: crimson red. If, but, how, why always conquered my juvenile psyche. Someone touched me; I can't see anything else now, just the intense glow over me. From where does this lamp borrow so many glows? And without expectations, it is sharing its warmth with me. I forget about getting filled when the elegance of the warmth felt. I realized what will happen when I ll be filled. When I am empty I could feel the utmost light.
The realization changed the aura, I felt like moving away from the light, yet close to it. Yes, I was right. The moment ink could touch me; I was far away from it. Blown with the wind, now I was in the air. Flying without any restriction, above the world so pleasing, like a bird I flied, cuddling with the air, kissing the light, I felt what I desired.
I knew it won’t last forever, but now I desired to be in the air forever. It’s not what I desire but what’s in my destiny. Soon I will land up, and don’t know who will fill me? Now will I ever be completed, but I don’t care about that, since I enjoyed my present. I yet retain my virginity, and yet I experienced love.
The rains witnessed my pleasure, or my pleasure witnessed the rains. The sprinkling droplets over me made me realize I am going to hit the earth soon. Earth? I never heard this word earlier, but it came out of me? I am wet, ready to dissolve, a crimson red drop of blood over one of my corner. Blood? I never heard this word earlier, but it came out of me? Prepared to sleep again, I was forced to lay down, no more cuddling, no more kissing. I, completely soaked with a stain. Incomplete, yet feeling complete …


And since you will never know why it happened to me, I am about to tell you the dark secret of my life. Dark: not because I regretted it, dark because you were not ready to switch on the light. Dark: because their always remained layers of dust around us. Dark, because so is the nature of ink. Dark: because everyone desire for the ink. But that does not trouble me anymore, and I can freely share that I had been a virgin Pink page once. Pink, not just the colour for the queer but the best. And to be the best, enlightenment is what you should desire. I am pink, I am enlightened, yet the dilemma is: Am I still virgin?

( Now a part of Gaylaxy )

Against Nature?

Against Nature? is an exhibition on homosexuality in animals made by the Natural History Museum, University of Oslo, Norway. The exhibition focuses on occurrence and function of homosexuality in animals, and is the first of its kind.

The museum says one of its aims is to "help to de-mystify homosexuality among people... we hope to reject the all too well known argument that homosexual behaviour is a crime against nature." Most of the exhibition is based on the works of Bruce Bagemihl and Joan Roughgarden.

Today we know that homosexuality is a common and widespread phenomenon in the animal world. Not only short-lived sexual relationships, but even long-lasting partnerships; partnerships that may last a lifetime.

The exhibit displays a small selection of the more than 1500 species where homosexuality has been observed. This fascinating story of the animals' secret life is told by means of models, photos, texts and specimens. The visitor will be confronted with all sorts of creatures from tiny insects to enormous spermwhales.

The exhibition ran from September 2006 to August 2007. It was well received, including by the museums regular visiting groups, mainly families. The exhibit is currently on tour. It has been on show in Oslo, Bergen, Trondheim and Maastricht, and is currently on show in Genova and in Stockholm (in the latter as "Rainbow Animals").

Source: Wikipedia

I ask myself, seldom answering.

I woke up with a dream, and thought of moulding them in words. I wrote it in one-run so that I should not land up in the reality before I conclude this poem.

I dedicate this to someone who will never understand it's for him.

As if I seized my world all around you,

In the book named “My life”,

There’s no chapter after “You”.

While walking thoughtless on a curious road,

Even blurred images are suddenly cured.

I ask myself, seldom answering.

“Are you happy in your love life?”

Fear drop all over my nerves,

Not for the query, but for the “Yes”.

Selfish thoughts over my dry eyes,

Or dry thoughts over my selfish eyes.

I ask myself, seldom answering.

Yet …

I still wait for the day, you will ask me-

“Do you still love me?”

I will be seized for the one last time,

I will overlook all the curious thoughts,

I will ask my tears to flow for a change,

Everything reflected through my“Yes”.

Yes, I still love you.

Selfish me, with my”self” in you.

Crimson red

The buoyancy of those "lovely" thoughts plucked me from the garden of desires, raised me to the cloud nine, “yes, this is the time to reap", they whispered, but how long can I challenge the gravity pull?
Lovely, or probably "friendly" or "lusty", not just three words, but three perspectives. And I never wanted to bind this account to any particular angle and inclination, since I knew how they felt, even if I never accepted. They, not "He", "He" and "me", but "I”,"I" and "I" constituted this account, an account or just an unfinished page from their biographies.

Sheldon
23 June 09, 8 p.m.
May be coincidence, but we both shared the same colour to be honored as our favorite, and for the very obvious reason, this colour need to witness these wonderful moments today. The love in me cannot be focused on a single person; I love each and every person in my life. And, this is what I am made for, loving. But I don’t know why its tending to segregate in the corner of my heart reserved only for Ansh. Before my mind gets struck over these thoughts of love and life, I mingled these chains of thoughts with: “Had I done all my preparations for today's Dinner?"
"Yaa, I am almost done", but why to take a chance. Let me go through the check list:

* Butter paneer masala: Ready. ( I just love to cook for him)
* Naan: I need to order them once he arrive (He never minds in referring to my inefficiency of cooking naan)
* Mong daal halwa: ready ( I dont like it much, but you now know, who ll appreciate it)
* Starters on the table and Chocolates in the freezer.

Feelings within, smile on the face,taste in the food, yet missing was our color.

Candles, crimson red. Curtains, crimson red.
The ribbons of the night, crimson red.
My other side, crimson red.

Three years, not just of my graduation, but when I experienced most from my life. Yet, I still regret the number of times I seized voice from my words. This will gonna be another such night, and undoubtedly my last night in this wonderful city, where I realized for the time what love is. Probably we will meet again, may be in months or years, but things won't be the same. And how can I expect them to me, distance really creates distance. But there’s still an appreciable life above all these regrets, the life shared with him.


Neel
23 June 09, 8 30 p.m.
May be coincidence, but we both shared the same colour to be honored as our favorite, and for the very obvious reason, this colour need to witness these wonderful moments today. Seldom have I encountered my desires since I know it’s futile to let them shape their own way. I turned 22 last night, still single, still virgin. How long am gonna cover my sexual desires under the name of masturbation, watching porn or unusual erections at public places? Before getting into a relationship its important to know, that are we both comfortable with the physical relationship or not. He won't understand these things, all he wants is to name the relation, and may it remain misnomer. Anyways, I know he won't regret my initiation but it won't be love, but just sex. Not any union of souls, without any halo, without touching eternal grounds.
He was on time with the same innocent smile, the same bright eyes reflecting enormous love for me. Hope he don't accept commitment from me after this night. Its better to leave it on time, the night is ours, the stars and the moon so elegant, witnessed by our colour.

My T shirt, crimson red. Condoms, crimson Red.
The liquid of the night, crimson red.
Inside me, crimson red.


Ansh
23 June 09, 10 30 p.m.
May be coincidence, but we both shared the same colour to be honored as our favorite, and for the very obvious reason, this colour need to witness these wonderful moments today. I was on time and I was late too. He was satisfied and so was he, and ironically I was struggling between the confusions of the satisfying desires. I was not sure what exactly I wanted, and may be they were also in the same dilemma. Anyways, I left everything on time.
He was different this night, He, the reasons behind my masturbation. He, the reason behind those hormonal secretions. A single knock welcomed me with an unforgettable kiss. He kissed me for the first time, and may be the last. I was welcomed as never before, and I left that place as never before, without even uttering a word I left that place, left him, left that crimson red night.

Few spots, crimson red. Curious dots, crimson red.
Jovial desires, crimson red.
Dying Roses, crimson red.

Till I could reach Sheldon's place, the past hour with Neel left strong images behind my cornea that I couldn't even felt the traffic outside, the vociferous sounds, the darkness or the headlights chasing me. The time between my second knock at the door and Sheldon's welcome smile was enough for me to realize that it wasn't love, but even I wasn't sure that was it just sex? Dilemmas and confusions are always there in relations, that why I want them to be named for the sake of emotions.
But, soon dying roses regained life this night. Tomorrow's distance brought us closer this night, his love was only for me this night, and I named it love this night. I made love for the first time in my life, the love when two souls united, me and Sheldon.

( Now a part of Gaylaxy )

Before Night Falls

” My name for the moment is Reinaldo Arenas. I am an exiled Cuban writer. I live in New York City. I write and I survive. I am not religious, I am homosexual and at the same time anti-Castro. I meet all the conditions of never publishing a single novel. “

– Reinaldo Arenas

Based on the memoir published posthumously, Before Night Falls is a biographical film of Cuban poet and writer Reinaldo Arenas. However the screenplay is based on several of Arenas’ other works like Singing From the Well and The Hallucinations.

In an episodic way of narrated events, this film shows the pheasant childhood and impoverished youth of the poet, an ardent celebrant of the revolution ( “Long Live Fidel! Viva Fidel!”), and later conflict with the Castro regime due to his writing and homosexuality, subsequent imprisonment and exile to New York City in 1980, followed by Arenas’ struggle with AIDS and eventual suicide (aged forty seven) in 1990.

Directed by artist-director Julian Schnabel who is the master of portraying biographies of artists on the silver screen, this second film of his is nonetheless an example of his excellence like his other works. His cinema is like poetry on silver screen. With beautiful cinematography and editing, the director has successfully presented Reinaldo’s life and work in a graceful manner.

Javier Bardem who has played Reinaldo Arenas has undoubtedly done a wonderful job. He looks like he has absorbed each nuance of the poet’s life, and in the same way he has executed his skills, and thus this Spanish actor went on to receive a nomination for an Academy Award for best actor. Among other supporting casts, cameo of Johnny Depp (in dual roles) as drag queen Bon-Bon who helps Arenas to smuggle his writings out of prison and Lieutenant Victor overseeing the prison, have been quite a showcase of Depp’s versatile acting. Olivier Martinez who played as Lazaro has also been effective in his short role.

With the slight feel of a documentary (and indeed, showing some archival footages), this film is sometimes unpleasant because of its stark realism. Nevertheless, it is a thought-provoking, poignant drama and yet a beautiful example of real cinema. Overall it is a worth watch.

(Written for Pink Pages)

The Bubble

Sometimes we might think that we live in a bubble, in our own world, without paying heed to the day-to-day violence-war-hatred-etcetera spread around us. Two lovers may forget the world. Hu-Buah (or ‘the Bubble’), in Hebrew language, presents before us the short “insignificant” lifespan of Noam and Ashraf. Insignificant because no matter how many lives it gobbles, the monster of war never seems to cease its hunger and this relativity makes ‘love’ insignificant (Pardon the pessimistic me!). This movie in its preproduction stage was to be named ‘Romeo & Julio’. So ‘The Bubble’ is a 21st century romantic tragedy in which the lovers are not only gay but also they belong to two separate races and religions which seemingly hate each other since the birth of mankind (Why can they not peace out?)

The Bubble is the latest film by Eyton Fox, top notch director of Israeli Cinema. Openly gay Eyton has done many similar projects in his career and has always come up with a different theme and genre each time. Though romanticism always has been a main part of his films, he has proficiently depicted various issues and many aspects of Israeli life. Thus his movies can be a window to Israel and the country’s tolerance of LGBT people for the world audience.

The central theme is kind of obvious when I say that it is a modern Romeo & Juliet. But let me warn you before you jump to any conclusions that this is cliché cinema. No, it is not. Under the very keen and smart direction The Bubble proves itself a refreshing flick. The film is about Noam, a young gay guy who while working at a checkpoint on his reserve duty happens to lock eyes with a young Palestinian man there, Ashraf. After finishing his military duty, Noam returns to Tel-Aviv where he lives with another gay man, Yelli who works in a restaurant, and the flamboyant girl Lulu. They lead a happy-go-lucky life. And one day Ashraf comes to their place and love stems between Noam and Ashraf.

The film can boast of several memorable scenes: one of them is when Ashraf comes to Noam’s place to return his passport and then on the terrace, while Noam shows him the skyline of the city, Ashraf kisses him. Another beautifully done scene is that of their love making. The climax is almost icoinic.

Coming on the acting part and the cinematography I want to once again applaud the director. The entire cast especially the four main characters have done an excellent job by acting as naturally as possible, there is no hint of articulation while they delivered their dialogues. At the end of this review, all I can say is that it’s refreshing, cute and provides perspective. Watch it without any reservations and you will enjoy it.

(Written for Pink Pages)

The Pregnant King

“It will not make sense to your logical mind. You will say, a parent is a parent, whether you are father or mother. But it is not the same. I cannot explain. You have to experience it. All I know is what I feel. I feel, while there is sweetness when your son calls you “father”, there is more sweetness when he calls you “mother”.”

These are the words of Yuvanashva, a king, who has ‘conceived’ and given birth to a son, and longing to be addressed as ‘mother’. But he is never acknowledged with that, because as per tradition, only a woman can be a mother and a woman can never be a king. Faced with this dilemma, will the ‘dharma’ validate Yuvanashva’s wishes? Will society accept him the way he has come to be?

The Pregnant King is a work of fiction by Dr. Devdutt Patnaik. Though the author’s other works encompassing his research on rituals and symbols abundant in Hindu mythology are considered non-fiction, this novel of his narrates the story of the King of Vallbhi, Yuvanashva. Vallbhi was the neighboring kingdom to Hastinapur according to the ancient text Mahabharata. The events mentioned in the book chronologically go parallel to the events that happened in lives of the Pandvas and Kaurvas.

The style of writing and narration is very easy to follow, and though the plot sounds bulky, the writer has skillfully knitted every story into the narration. Another notable thing in this book is the fact that there are many places where sexual terms could have gone explicit, and in these places the symbolisms used by the author sound clever. While at times it is fun to read, at others the reader can feel his eyes moistening. This entire novel is an exquisite piece of information and philosophy that is not only understood by intellect but by the heart too.

Concluding, I’ll quote the author’s words that appear in the foreword of the book, “Did the events actually happen? Does it matter? Is it really about Shilavati, Yuvanashva, Shikhandi or Somvati? Or is it about love, law, identity, gender, power and wisdom? The impossibility of universal fairness?”

(Written for Pink Pages)

The Boyfriend

One fine Sunday morning, Yudi (an ‘Americanized’ version of Yudhishtir) meets a boy Milind who is half his age while looking for a ‘bite’ around a public loo at a local train station. And from that day onwards Yudi’s life takes a rollercoaster ride of comic-tragic events.

The Boyfriend, is a novel by famous Indian LGBT writer, poet and activist R. Raj Rao, who in fact not an unfamiliar name among Indian subcontinent literary circles. He came up with his first novel and first gay novel of India. Already causing a stirring in the Indian media with his collection of poems narrating the short film BomGay in year 1999, this novel published in 2003 by Penguin India was acclaimed as one of year’s finest books.

The setting of the novel is the heart of Mumbai (then Bombay). The events that take place in the story happen ten years before the book was published. The omnipresent ‘invisible’ gay culture in Mumbai – whether it is the lookout of the public loo, or the weekend hangout in Testeostone – the only gay bar in the city; or greasing the palms of police; or the kissing in the Irani restaurant – this book somehow familiarizes the readers to the ‘closets’ and gays. The story can be treated as a love story with a happy tryst of two lovers to heart-wrenching parting with a pragmatically sentimental ending. However, the writer has managed to avoid every kind of hanky-panky and come up with a dry, satirical humor that makes this nove a fun read. Also the writer’s attempts to sketch the contemporary issues of Indian culture like caste, class, poverty, illiteracy, slums etc. in witty, irreverent humor are worthy of praise. R. Raj Rao compares untouchability with homosexuality, when one of his protagonists Yudi (who is Brahmin by caste) says to dalit boy Milind ” “Homos are no different from Bhangis. Both are Untouchables. I am a homosexual. Gay by caste. Gay by religion.” “Outcastes” he says, “can only expect to be friends with outcastes.” “

The storyline goes like this. Yudi or Yudhishthir who is in his 40s is a freelance journalist, lives in the suburbs of Nalla Sopara, Mumbai. He is gay who is used to picking up boys from public toilets or some parks or from local trains. One day he meets a 19 year old dalit boy Milind Mahadik. Some days after this meeting, Mumbai burns with the infamous communal riots of the year 1993. Though Yudi never felt sentiments about his previous ‘guys’, he worries about the safety of Milind. He even goes on a lookout for Milind but his efforts remain futile until one day, after some months, he meets him, working as a peon. After this more trysts take place and they get ‘married’. Meanwhile a neurotic woman named Gauri comes in the life of Yudi who falls in love with him and tries to ’straighten’ him. Already ‘woman-phobic’, Yudi does everything to avoid her advances. Months later Milind again disappears and this makes Yudi’s life miserable. Milind appears again and then he gets married, knowing this Yudi, becomes all the more obsessive and longs for Milind. Through these hard times Gauri helps him to reduce his misery by becoming his friend with a sisterly affection.

The ending is quite pragmatic but surprising. The story may not strike a chord, still it leaves an indelible effect on the reader. All in all, it is fun and easy to read. And with this book the author has been successful to be in the league of the evolving genre of both Indian English writing and LGBT Indian Literature.

(Written for Pink Pages)