Valentine Night

My first coming out experience.

There was a time when manufacturing of Karan was not yet thought of. All queries that could challenge me to plan out this was under evolution to knock my mind in order to seek for a few questions. Questions that none of my acquaintance could answer, or maybe I was not courageous enough of ask them. There was a guy, precisely 19 year old, decent enough, coupled with usual confusions of many gays, in love with a guy again with the same précised age, who again was decent enough, may or may not be confused, may or may not be gay; unpredictable human psychologies. The best way to substitute these may and may not, or the best way to get answers was to ask queries.

Scratching every corner of my memory, I could collect few dead roses, a wet pillow, a long night walk, many missed calls, few smses (not replied till date), the revealing and the followed silence, still wrapped in those cells. It was 14th of Feb. last year, when finally I decided to face the exact definition of this relation: bromance or romance?

We shared a relation in which there were no blur sides, no buried truth and sometimes no serious talks. Our phone calls many a times lasted till early morning, that too after being together in college. The story even accompanied banter of being referred as gay couple. I enjoyed it but he never did. My curiosity to know the other side or my impatience to know him decided to avoid the pointless bathos in my story. Finally, I expressed whatever I feel for him on the valentine night.

"Yaa, Yaa. I am also gay. Happy and Gay", he asserted to my proposal. If not today, it will never happen, so I decided to be serious. “But I am serious this time."
"So do I. Bro, don't take those pranks so seriously.” he replied. Without discussing it further, I proposed him. "Yes, I love you." He understood my serious tone, and silence sustained for few minutes. I continued explaining him, whatever I felt or him; but everything went wrong. We finally concluded our call with no phone calls from now onwards. I was pissed off with his reaction, and I didn’t received any of his calls that night. Missed calls followed non replied smses.

It took time but I realized I was forcing him to be in my shoes, but that can't happen. If you plan to come out to someone, give him/her the proper time to digest the truth. In the end, things will be surely well. I experienced, so I can assure. I called him, but now it was time for missed calls on his cell. He was not receiving my calls. And finally I received a text message from him, “Be strict to your decision." I messed up with the relation I loved the most. A month passed with no exchange of words, and even none of our friends noticed that. Ego redefined our relation; a relation of acting like strangers. But, I knew everything will sort out with time.


In the mid of May, I discovered a video on youtube of NDTV Salaam Zindagi (broadcasted on 7th august 2008); followed by few more good videos. That was the time when I was reborn with the pseudonym Karan. I thought of explaining him everything again and in a new way, and he gave all his ears to my words. I showed him my fake profile and those videos. What I was unable to do, Karan did. Ironically, what I was unable to do, I did. He reacted differently this time, I must say positively this time. But still one question was hanging around; "Was the decision to quit talking a good option?"


And there came an unexpected answer from him, “I thought you are thinking too much over this topic because of those pranks or may be because of our long phone calls. I thought because of me, you are regarding yourself gay" Under the name of ego, care still was doing its job. And with time the same old understanding retained in our relation. Now I can discuss anything with him. Even he use to show me cute guys, ask about my dates, tease me, support me when I feel low. And I love it. Once he told me,“You don't look like a gay." Hence, I felt the importance of coming out. Not only he, there are many ignorant people around us who regards gays as feminist guys. To scratch out this age old ignorance, coming out is important. And what’s more importance is the way you come out and to whom you come out. Express as if you are explaining a nursery kid, and make sure that the kid really deserves to know who you are.


Mr. XYZ or Karan Sood

The Other Side

1. Girl friend

Lets explore about our orientation, and the only required apparatus for experiment is a girlfriend.

The "straight" gay panics:

Mammoth might kill me,
I won't sleep alone tonight.
.
.
.
Earlier who shared interests now share a relation,
Requesting a refusal to God's decision.
Under the name of sandwich, digesting
two dry pieces of bread without butter.



2. Diffusion

Sometimes, it’s just an odour that dominates every physical feature.

Fresh forever, fragranced forever,
Few artificial fruits in the basket,
decayed a lively fruit last Night.

.

.

Diffused souls, diffused fragrance.
But artificial tricks followed nature’s deception,
Certainly, he was again pricked by Light.



3.Blind

Avoid Rejection, play a blind date. But to avoid preliminary rejection, play well over the chat.

Portrayal of new patina over the same old flesh,
Fake blushes counted in,
double-entendre behind lash.
.
.
Wicked mind over the availability of space,
Beneath dubious pranks,
initiates the unhurried race.



4.Come on YM

How can you think of friendship without sharing, may it be your pics or cell numbers?

“I am just here for friendship",
moulds to "What’s your priorities?"

Unwilling display of patience,
dominated by unbearable desires.

Bathos in the dialogue delivery,
cracks the crust of lusty fire.



5.Bromance or Romance?

In love with a straight guy, why not to go for some conversion techniques?

Jack took Jill up to the hill to pour out forbidden emotions,
Jill fell down and trauma touched the ground,
Yet Jack was occupied in blind devotion.
.
.

If you can think of conversion,
and close eyes in name of dark vision,
What kind of love is there in your relation?


NOW CHECK OUT THE CRITICAL REVIEW OF THIS POEM ON The Forth Dimension


(Thoughts behind my words:

Part1: Girl Friend

These lines refers a gay, who thinks having a girl friend can change things in his life. He panics for the things that doesn't exist ( mammoth). His confusions lies between request and refusal.

Part2: Diffusion

The idea can out while reading the "about me" column of a guy, where it was written, " Body odours cannot be tolerated". Further, I tried expressing that the beauty of soul cannot be replaced with any of the artificial deo/perfume.

Part3: Blind

Blind establishes the state of mind during a blind date. The qualms and frozen desires.

Part4: Come on YM

I know all gays are quite aware how some online chats diverts unintentionally.

Part5: Bromance or Romance?

Jack is love with a straight guy, Jill. Jack's friend suggest him to try to change Jill's orientation. Jill falls refers to Jack's techniques to convert him and Jack closes his eyes refers to his act of being blind when he can find its not good what he is doing. Finally it conclude with the question mark over the kind of Jack's love.)

Personal Experience

Maintaining few millimeter distance between the paper and pen for few minutes, I let them meet to write something like "Personal experience" for Sukhdeep's magazine (Gaylaxy). The last few occupied minutes didn't questioned me to how to begin, but my mind struck over " where to begin from?" Th minute hand had completed 2 complete rounds after midnight, I, the nocturnal creature, alone in my room trying to compensate my disturbed mind with the serenity outside. Disturbed ? Sometimes, the uncertain voids never let me established the reason behind them.

Personal Experiences, should it my the coming out melodramas or the pretence play that hate playing, my romantic dating or lusty desires thereafter, few break ups, certain confusions, spoiling my college grades or whatever a 20 year old gay experience usually. but what I am thinking right now is why to write a personal experience, and why me? Why to disclose a random page of my life so publicly ?

In this invisible domain, the white as well as the black shades never form a sharp boundary with the rainbow. Internet really turned out to be very helpful in increasing the visibility of the gay world, but when the things are coming out of obscurity, the other side really disturbs me somehow. Personally, being a highly spiritual person, I feel I am really not going on the right track, tracks with hours of chatting, meeting guys and all. Once you getting into it the desires never halts. The contours you try to fit are not exactly made for the given scene. From, personal experience, I feel the young generation should know where to draw to line.

I ponder, Sukdeep's disappointment after going through these loose ends. When i was told to write about any of my life experience, I came up with the gist of my entire gay life. But, if I would having so much control over my mind, I guess I would not be having any of such gay networking Ids.

The voids or the obscure contours, my curious yet disturbed mind and his opinion finally feels its more suited as a blog entry, than in the magazine.

Fixing Frank

“If there were a pill to make you straight, would you..?” Has anyone come across this question? Among us, one may find a person who somehow, at some point of time has had to deal with this doubt, whether it is our introspective self or a third person who perceives homosexuality a choice. image011

So, “Would you?” The movie, Fixing Frank, deals with the same question of identity crisis along with the contemporary hullabaloo on the adequacy (or rather the lack of it) of so-called conversion therapy.

This movie has three characters, Frank, a freelance journalist, his therapist husband Jonathan, and Dr Apsey. Dr Apsey is seemingly the ‘villain’, a psychologist whose notion of homosexuality is that it is a choice. He has a yellow pill that he claims has the power to conform a sad homosexual into a happy satisfied heterosexual.

As movie reels on, audience not only comes across a session of plausible arguments given by Dr Apsey but also the effect building upon Frank’s mind and heart. Though these logics actually do ample harm to the lives of Frank and Jonathan, the main cause of their failing relationship happens to be something else. The story has many twists and turns. All the three characters are strong and have equal exposure throughout the movie; still Jonathan’s character could have been extended. Actors have done great work, especially Dan Butler (Dr. Apsey). Butler, openly gay, has done brilliant work in the role of homophobic psychologist Dr. Apsey. The cinematography is a bit poor in some scenes, one may feel, the movie is absorbing not only because it was an adaptation of a staged play but also the theme and the way the scriptwriter has tackled the issue of conversion therapy.

This is a must watch for our community. Seldom are movies made on such themes and seldom we get to watch a good cinema like this.

(Written for Pink Pages)

Another Country

The film opens with a scene in contemporary Moscow where a wrinkle faced old man happens to be interviewed by an American lady reporter. As their conversation proceeds with the sips of scotch, the old man reminisces his life of his school days as “you have no idea what life in England in the 1930s was like.image012 Treason and loyalty, they’re all relative, you know. Treason to what? Loyalty to whom?” And the next scene is of an English public school, back in the days of the early 1930s, where students are coming to attend morning prayers.

Another Country is about a British born spy Guy Bennett who worked for Soviet Union. How this person becomes a spy against his own country instead becoming a diplomat for his country, is quite a tale that is spun in the script. Guy Bennett is a flamboyant, spoiled brat who has certainly great amount of inclination towards his own sex; he realizes that he is homosexual while seeking a guy named Harcourt. He confesses his love for Harcourt to his best friend Tommy Judd. Tommy is a die-hard Marxist, and has such firm faith in communism that he refuses to accept any reward such as becoming Prefect under the ‘bourgeoisie’ system of English public school. Seeing the prevalent hypocrisy about homosexuality within his schoolmates, Guy at last shows rebellion at the end of the movie and Tommy agrees with him – All problems solved for life. No Commies, No Queers.

This classic movie, made in 1984 in the era when homosexuals in England were still demanding their right to live freely, had created waves. With its astounding cinematography and powerful script, Another Country certainly etches onto the viewer’s mind. Actors, Rupert Everett (Guy Bennett) and Colin Firth (Tommy Judd) have given excellent performances in their debut film. The movie is full of some memorable lines, for instance, Guy Bennett (Rupert Everett) while watching Harcourt from a distance says to himself “There’s a little hollow at the base of his throat which makes me want to pour honey all over him, and lick it off again.” And some memorable scenes too, for instance that of Harcourt’s head lying upon Guy’s chest on a still boat in the middle of night. One can also appreciate the mellifluous soundtrack playing along various parts of the movie. The film is uniquely engrossing in many ways.

(Written for Pink Pages)

Just a question of love (French)

An appreciable compilations of plethora of questions of life and desires, homosexuality and coming-out behind a single question of love.

Directed by French director Christian Faure, Just a question of love very well managed to bind me to discover the beauty of hanging questions till the last scene. The story establishes a love story of two gay men, Cedric (Stéphan Guérin-Tillié) and Laurent (Cyrille Thouvenin), one of whom is proudly out while the other still in closet. Based on the theme: Are we really love our children as they say?, the screenplay and script very well revolves around the basic idea, putting light on the difficulties faced by a gay child (Laurent) belonging to a conservative family, on the other hand depicting the support of an understanding mom of a gay son(Cedric). I really appreciate the work of entire cast, especially, Emma, Cedric's mom (Eva Darlan), and the off screen crew.

Laurent, a 23-year old college student, masks his gayness from his family by living with his best friend, Carole. During his agricultural research under Cedric, Laurent falls for him. He wants to live openly like Cedric, but certain fears halt him in doing so, whereas Cedric cares for him but does not like him to live two lives. He introduces Laurent to his mom, who accepts his son as well as his boy friend. The unwillingness of Laurent to come out to his family creates distance between them. Hence begins intense portrayal of the test of the two lovers' relations as well as the parents-son's relation.

Overall, the movie is worth watching!

(Written for Pink Pages)
( Now a part of Gaylaxy also)

The History Boys

The History Boys, a philosophical comedy-drama, is adapted by Alan Bennett from his own play. It was directed by Nicholas Hytner, director of the original production of The History Boys at the Royal National Theatre in London, and features the original cast of the play.

The portrayal of many philosophies from different perspectives is enclosed in a plot with a touch of pink. In 1983, 6 grammar school boys, Crowther, Posner, Dakin, Timms, Akthar, Lockwood, Scripps, and Rudge, obtaining highest school scores, starts their preparation to enter Oxford or Cambridge. The General Studies teacher, known by staff and boys alike by "Hector" (Richard Griffiths), is their favorite, and works alongside their deputy head and regular History teacher, Mrs. Lintott (Frances de la Tour). The headmaster, Felix (Clive Merrison), hires young contract teacher named Irwin (Stephen Campbell Moore) to assist Hector and Mrs Lintott. Irwin's teaching methodology was extremely different from the regular teachers. Discovering Hector's homosexuality and due to certain other reasons, the headmaster insists him retire early. The story also reflects the confusions and desires of gay student (Dakin).The journey from high school to Oxfords/ Cambridge through varied tracks build a highly convincing screenplay.

History boys received positive acclaim from critics. The National Board of Review of Motion Pictures named The History Boys one of the Top Ten Films in its 2006 awards. Griffiths and de la Tour received BAFTA nominations for Best Actor and Best Supporting Actress, respectively.

The beautiful exchange of classic dialogues deserves a onetime watch!

(Written for Pink Pages)