What matters in the End?

There was a king who made love with his mistress, behind his wife. And one day, the betrayal landed up in front of Queen. He did all to save his marriage. But for what: Love, family or Society?

As most people perceive gay relationships does not hold much role of society (unless you are out to your circle) and family (unless you adopted a child, both being a rare thing in typical Indian society). So, love is all it takes to hold their relationship. But, why would someone have a physical relationship with some other guy, unless he is not happily  committed with his partner?

"We both are not much connected with other anymore.",

 "I thought he is too seeing someone else.", 

" Even after months of commitment, he never satisfied me.", 

And, the list goes on when one had to blame his partner for the betrayal he devised. But, this story doesn't hold a bad partner. What if they were happily committed for say an year, and then someday, he did it. He had sex with someone else. 

Should he be courageous to tell his partner that he did so, or should he hide it from him? Will his partner forgive him or is it the "The End" of their love story?

It isn't an easy thing, i.e. being faithful in a gay relationship. There is continuous churning of emotions in and around that too when most can't drop those emotions to the people living around them. The kind of relationship I am talking about are all serious relationships. Relationships that hold soul mates theorem, relationships that are beyond parties and post parties, those selfless relationship that everyone desires at a time in life, but unfortunately couldn't meet up the requirements. 

What actually does a relationship require? Why and How it turns with time? And finally what matters in the end? That’s all I will talk about. I may sound subjective over emotions but the subject actually needs that delicate treatment under strong shoulders.

Is love is all it needs? Definitely not. Because love is never a need but an outcome from our needs. You need to be cared, and that might someday turn into love. You desire cuddling, kissing, holding, and that someday makes into love, you need someone to understand you, hold you when you need, and be faithful to you, that makes you to love him or her.

But, do you realize how risky are your needs? Have you ever seen any advertisement of mutual funds, they generally start with a placard saying, "Mutual funds investments are subject to market change, please read the documents carefully before investing." Relationships too hold the same funda. It's not a personal bond, but a mutual one that too subjected to market change. And reading the person is as important as reading those documents. And we read our counterpart to have their care, faith, trust and finally love. Risks are always involved, risk of being hurt, being betrayed, or hurting the other person. The market (circumstances, emotions) is always changing, and it's always up to you how long you will hold the invest in the funds (or relationship), irrespective of the crunches visible in the market.

Relationships these days do start on bed (couch-toilets-cars-etc), but that should and can never be the first document to be read, and if done, the relationship will surly won't last long. Remember, market change is never in our hand. 

As relationship ages, love grows, but it also witness the differences you both hold, which may range from food to positions, ideologies to expressions. There always comes a time when you think you can't take it anymore, and as in gay relationship you aren't bonded legally to be together, the thoughts of break up may conquer your mind. You may plan a betrayal, you may sleep with someone else, but remember what matters in the end? A click of second, and parts of wounded emotions create a trauma leaving behind the pages you both wrote together for your present and future. A wrong stitch may ruin everything you knitted in years. But, giving a chance in love is always feasible.

And you know what matters in the end? It's that he makes you happy out of anything and everything. Remember, this moment is momentary, life's way far beyond this.

The King indeed loved her wife (I know you may not agree), he obviously loved his family, and for the Kings, the society mattered a lot. And, of all he choose happiness. And, he did all to regain it. 

[Written for Gaylaxy Magazine]

Dusk to Dawn (After Sex)

Love consumes all, you agree or not, it does. Be it physically, mentally, emotionally or spiritually, it coins our life to changes we certainly resist of their own reasons. But when I say " it consumes" it takes to no boundary that makes love a villain of our life. Indeed it’s a hero, a savior, but how long a savior will exist without a suitable weapon?

Of all weapons, from trust, mutual understandings, care and respect, one comes with the name called physical compatibility, a mere check of satisfaction measured from two different scales, and even if their values overlap, they doesn't correspond to the same value (Remember the Vernier Caliper  you used in your ninth standard physics lab.)

That particular night, we made love for more than two hours, and we were lying naked on our single bed, holding our hands, looking at the revolving fan over head. Within a few minute, he was slept while I wished to talk. Talk of nothing but our mystic future, of inspiration that binds us together, of reasons to fight for our relationship during the hours that binds dusk to dawn after making love. 

While most of us prefer to sleep after sex, but still few exists who want to talk about serious stuff, talk of sex and just sex, few prefer take a shower, or go out for some time, lit a cigarette, or cuddle like babies. The moment a couple have orgasm, it may induce a certain level of weakness in the body depending on one's own stamina, so sleep after sex shouldn't be blamed anyhow even if it does happen. (And, if both of the partners are working, I know how hard it is keep your eyes open for late nights after the hectic hours at work.)

Sometimes, in few cases, the orgasm is also followed by an inevitable guilt feeling. And the cigarette, shower or being sometime alone helps it out. And, if its natural what makes the other partner to take it otherwise?

Next comes to cuddle after you made love. To cuddle seems sweet and add beauty to it, but if it happens after sex it may turn you irritating as you dying for a sound sleep and the guilt willing for some distance. So even if in this case, the scales doesn't match ignore your emotions that expects a lot. And, maturity is all it takes to make it happen.

But what about the urge to talk? And that too when it might be of libidinous nature and at times of serious emotions. And, this lands up to the situation when one partner prefers to sleep while other continuously gazes the roof or the fan. Remember, it was your words at the first encounter that brought you both together, the way your frequency matched, things clicked and emotions attached with beautiful memories. Your words defines you, not how hot you are, how good you act on bed, the size of your penis or what perfumes you use.

These gradients in expectations and needs may add bitterness in the relationship. If not always, sleep can  be sacrificed before it, when you know it will take just a few minutes, especially when your partner need to talk something really intimate that he can't share with anyone.

And, To talk of sex after sex? I will prefer to sleep, but people vary so does the expectations, and you agreed to do that, that’s what commitment says. 

With a wish for a great love and sex life, I wish for all those happy or not-so-happy couples for the most appropriate weapon for the savior that binds you both.

[Written for Gaylaxy Magazine]

The Mystery

"I have been straight all my life until you came to me as my lover", he said. What would you call it? A lie, a tacky trick, or ignorance, but to me it’s a mystery. Sexuality had been a mystery to me, and still it is. We got no scale to measure few things, and sexuality lands up in the same list.

Few years back, when I made my (fake) profile on orkut, and I mentioned my sexuality as bisexual, when a friend of mine told me to change it to gay. I didn't reasoned him, rather changed it, and gradually found the reason. May it be forced to my lesser maturity, people were actually not much preferring befriending bisexuals, inevitably making it morally down. Being gay was fine, being straight obviously fine, but bisexuality was in close proximity to something wrong.

 To this, as many people would, I too disagreed.

Few days back, I was at work when one of my friend, who had been in a heterosexual relationship for past three years and had breakup few months back, called me and told he has a boyfriend now. To me, to be true, first it seemed to be joke, something indigestible. And, then I realized things aren't vulgar anyway, but the sharp boundaries are.

 I have found straight guys falling in for gays, gays falling in for girls, no trick involved, no lust dominated, no love deceived, and that too when they had a great heterosexual/ homosexual relationship (respectively) in their past. Some may say it's out of boredom, or it's out of frustration, but the mystery remains.

 Sex is one thing, an important component of life but certainly smaller than love and attachment. Once one is involved with a person emotionally to the extreme, "getting physical" with him doesn't make you gay or bisexual, when he knows it won't happen with anyone else ever in his life. The complications to relationship persist, (in which relation it doesn't?), but in that case you need to broader your concept of sexuality and individuality, rather than convincing him to turn gay/bisexual or accept him as gay/bisexual.

 Love is always above definitions. The mystery will remain within your maturity levels, the vulgarity will remain within the beauty of life, and the choice will too always remain all yours. And, all I will say is "As long as it makes you happy go ahead."

 [Written for Gaylaxy Magazine]

BomGay

One afternoon, in 1996, R. Raj Rao called Riyad Vinci Wadia and asked if he could come around to show him some poems he had recently written. Raj had been invited to attend the writing program and workshop at Iowa State University and was keen that Riyad should film him with a video camera to have some visual material reading some of his poems. And this led to the making of the very first Indian Gay Film.

Approximately stretched for 12 minute of length, this short film depicts the underground and twisted nature of the gay identity in urban India. Scripting verses as the screenplay well establishes the depth of imagery to show the Indian gay life of the 1990’s. Even though I found it difficult to comprehend the scenes at times; and since the movie has been banned in India, it was very difficult to get a good print of it.

The movie was made in a couple of days due to time limitations; whose effect is reflected in not-so-good cinematography and not-so-good direction. Considering the on-screen part, most of the cast had done a commendable work even though they occupy the screen just for few seconds or more. The most common faces recognized in Bomgay are Rahul Bose, Kushal Punjabi, Tarun Shahani, R Raj Rao and Farud Cambata.

After the release, for the next several months the film received reams of newsprint. It opened up an extensive discussion on homosexuality in India and it brought the “G” word into people’s homes. In all the press that the film received there was not one reaction that was negative or derogatory.

Overall, you can manage to take out 12 minutes sometime; but only if you get its print. The movie is banned; but still spending sometime on Google can help you to get a copy of poetic classic film.

(Written for Pink Pages)

Innocent love

Hope I could step back few years and rectify my mistake. How one can be so ignorant that she can't even know what love is?

After teaching for four years I can understand the child psychology, that too when I can’t bear a child. May be I don't deserve one. May be a murderer doesn't deserve to be a mother. I am the reason for his death- my sweet little brother’s death. And the guilt deepened its root when one of my students few years back raised an unusual question I couldn't answer; or maybe I have no rights to answer his query. How can I say something about love, when I can't feel it around me? I know how it feels like for not being loved once in three years of married life.

One day, when I was preparing for my lecture in staff room, I found him looking at me as if I will understand that his heart; asking me to quit all my work and listen to his query, the query of innocent love. "Yes Beta, come in." A straight no followed my permission. "No, you come out". It reflected his disobedience, but I could sense something was disturbing this 10 year old kid. Kanav, student of V-B, one of my favorite student and more over favorite student of Meraj, my husband; who is his present class teacher.

"Yes beta, what happened to my kid?" The answer to my question was really shocking because I can't remember if I ever had argued or fought with Meraj in front of any of my students.

"Why don't you divorce Meraj Sir?"

I know everyone in the staff knew about the problems in our married life; but how come a ten year old kid can sense this, and without any delay I asked: “Why should I?"

"Because I love your husband and I want to marry him."

I can't laugh at his innocence; I can't even laugh at my ignorance. A single exchange of dialogues brought many dialogues from my past - striking me hard, and this time harder than before. Because I knew the climax; and I was equally responsible for the climax. Climax of my brother's life. Is this the time to rectify my mistake?

"I continued, "Why don't we both love him. He will be so glad to receive love from two lovers rather than one?"

"Yes, but what about our marriage?"

“You don't need to marry a person to love him or her.” (And sometimes, even marriage doesn't help) “Now you get back to your class, recess is over" and he moved back with a smile, yet a "but" on his face.

“I am not feeling well; I won’t be able to take classes in the second half. Please engage someone else to my class" I told our vice Principal and moved to the play ground; because of the advice that bulged out of my guilt.

Mischievous kids; ready for a full-on energy kick to the football. The sun can't stop them. The dust can't stop them. I feel like spending my entire day looking at those kids; but soon the scene changed: ground with a magnificent lavishing hall, football polls with the furnishings, soil with traditional carpet and ‘smiles and excitement’ with ‘sorrow and anger’. It wasn't a dream; I can recognize every character. As if a déjà vu I can even recollect the sequence of dialogues. But the only dialogues hitting my ear were: “Islam doesn't allow a man to love a man; and a sinner need to be punished”. “Because of you, they can pariah us from the society." Alternately each set of words were re-winded by my mind because I knew what happened next and I don't desire my eyes to see that scene: The scene occupied with annoyance and disgust- the scene that forced my sweet brother to destroy him. Everything became blurred behind my tears and it was soon replaced by the scene of playful kids.

It was almost 1 pm; soon the bell will ring and kids will come out of their respective classes, rushing each other to get back to their homes. I, along with a guilt-made-advice stepped towards Kanav's classroom. The bell rang. I asked him to stay in the class. But he wasn't alone in the class, because every student knew it can't be a punishment for hm; might be he may get some extra sweets or something. And finally, I need to shout at them, “Move out of the class". Slowly ... slowly ... with every step they looked back and finally moved out.

Now only we both were in the class. "Mam I may miss my bus". I ignored his plea (I am still an ignorant?) and continued, "Beta you remember what all I told you in the recess?"

"Yes mam, two lovers, more love".

"Yes indeed but you need to assure me one thing- whatever you told me today, you won't share it with anyone else."

I always carried the guilt of killing my brother; but it is a fact that most parts of the society are the victims of same ignorance. They can't understand love is for soul; and soul has no gender. And since everyone can't understand this; so I think one should not come out as gay until he is sure enough that he can explain them what exactly he is as well as they are ready to understand the same. And this will only happen if the other person really deserves to know this actuality. Four years ago, my brother told me that he is in love with Meraj. I can't afford that my brother is gay and that too in love with my fiancé. I told abba everything about him. What followed this was.... The luxurious mansion lost its opulence. The interior may shines but I can hear the walls weeping till date.

But Kanav was a small kid, 10 year old kid. What he knows about love; about being gay; and about this society and culture. So, I decided to understand what all he goes through, what all he feels because more than helping him; I wanted to help me to come out of this guilt. Selfish me, and my selfish thoughts. But I still I had a doubt - Is he really gay? Or is this a random liking for someone whom you love. Since my brother's death I secretly read a lot of books on homosexuality and I decided not to come to any conclusion without any surety. Giving time; and a lot of time was the only solution left.

I want to spend time with him and annual picnic was one such day. I took permission from our principal for organizing picnic for class V this year along with Meraj. For the first time, I and Meraj went for a picnic together. But the plan didn't work as I expected. I can't give time to a single child when I was having the responsibility of the entire class. But it was the first step through which I could feel the love of Kanav towards my husband. He followed Meraj wherever he went; may it be the washroom.

One afternoon, I thought of requesting Kanav's parents to allow him to visit our home for a Sunday. They disagreed. And instead they called principal mam to know what kind of academic session is this. She knew I can't bear a child; considering my motherly desires; she requested them and they made my Sunday- Our Sunday superb.

Everyone thought I can't bear a child; but the fact is my husband doesn’t want to have a child. Because a part of guilt that covers my body is still a part of his heart. He knew why my brother committed suicide; and somewhere we both are the culprits. He never forgave me; and not yet forgiven himself. According to Islam, a sinner committed another sin by committing suicide; and we are the sinners because we are the part of his sins. The only sin of loving someone.

That particular Sunday brought a ray of hope in my life. Not just of freedom from guilt; but being loved by my husband. He kissed me for the first time that day after we were married. Meraj was never a hard man, but circumstance and time changed him a lot. We both were sometimes not able to look into each others' eyes since the guilt was so intense. He fought to his family to marry me. Yes, it was a love marriage which never ever had love after marriage.

We had lunch together that day; all three in a single plate. Because he wanted so. We played lots of games. Because he wanted so. He kissed Meraj and I did the same. Again, because he wanted so; and this is how his parents show love. And here, for him, we all three love each other.

We both enjoyed his company, and unexpectedly because of him, me and Meraj were being happier together. That Sunday followed by many such Sundays. Once a month, he uses to visit our place. Their family also invited us for dinner sometimes. Things changed day by day; month by month and finally year by year. Kanav's love, his innocent love, brought us together once again. I wanted him to lead a good life, I wanted that I should be free from guilt; but there was also something else God wanted. And our destiny was written by Him. When the things went worst between Meraj and me, and we decided for split, Kanav came to our life and changed everything.

Years passed and still Kanav use to visit our place. Now not just we two, but we all four enjoy Kanav's company. We: I, Meraj and our two sons. This year Kanav will pass-out from our school but I know now he is mature enough now to take his decisions. Since past seven years, the day he told about his feelings for Meraj till today; we shared a relation much more than of a teacher and student. He sometimes feels shy of what all he told me; but I love him for carrying such a pure heart. Now, he has a boyfriend too, I don’t know who he is but I am sure whosoever he is, he must be a nice guy. I have faith in Kanav; and I trust my Lord. May be he is not the same innocent kid, but more than that he knows who he is; proud of what he is; and most importantly he knows how to spread love; and how can a person who spreads love in everyone's life be a sinner?

The Making of "KARAN"

11 May, as your updates say, is my birthday. But, frankly speaking its not. You can wish me; I can't restrict anyone's wishes; but I think you must be aware of what you are wishing me for. Lets start with he basic ingredients in the making of Karan: Needs? Confusion? For me, they both contributed equally. And, hence started a new phase of my life, specifically gay life. I can't draw a sharp line between networking or dating; but my needs and confusions required both. Like the real world, it had the certainly similar features: it was different from what exactly looks like. You can find every kind of person right here. A single click can bring a wonderful friend in your life and the same click can introduce a sex seeker to you. More interesting cases were those who start up with friendship but end up with discussions only about sex. I didn't understood why a friend is interested in knowing my priorities on bed ?

So, 11 May 2009 was the day when Karan stepped his first step in this virtual world; when again a gay used a pseudonym to mask his orientation; when again a simple person tried understanding the complicated side of his life; and when I gradually understood Life is simple, take it simple.

I really thanks this virtual world for introducing many real friends in my life. Thanks Snoopy, Raj, Viraj, Karan, Udayan, Aaroh, Shaan, Shaan(2), Muffu, Gibben, butterscotch, Rohith, Soul, Kshitij, Sambhav, Susheel Inaayat, coolguy, Puneet, Vish, Sultry for being such a wonderful friend. If I forget your name, forgive Me.

So now you can shower your wishes over me. Because I am glad, and I am GAY :)

Valentine Night

My first coming out experience.

There was a time when manufacturing of Karan was not yet thought of. All queries that could challenge me to plan out this was under evolution to knock my mind in order to seek for a few questions. Questions that none of my acquaintance could answer, or maybe I was not courageous enough of ask them. There was a guy, precisely 19 year old, decent enough, coupled with usual confusions of many gays, in love with a guy again with the same précised age, who again was decent enough, may or may not be confused, may or may not be gay; unpredictable human psychologies. The best way to substitute these may and may not, or the best way to get answers was to ask queries.

Scratching every corner of my memory, I could collect few dead roses, a wet pillow, a long night walk, many missed calls, few smses (not replied till date), the revealing and the followed silence, still wrapped in those cells. It was 14th of Feb. last year, when finally I decided to face the exact definition of this relation: bromance or romance?

We shared a relation in which there were no blur sides, no buried truth and sometimes no serious talks. Our phone calls many a times lasted till early morning, that too after being together in college. The story even accompanied banter of being referred as gay couple. I enjoyed it but he never did. My curiosity to know the other side or my impatience to know him decided to avoid the pointless bathos in my story. Finally, I expressed whatever I feel for him on the valentine night.

"Yaa, Yaa. I am also gay. Happy and Gay", he asserted to my proposal. If not today, it will never happen, so I decided to be serious. “But I am serious this time."
"So do I. Bro, don't take those pranks so seriously.” he replied. Without discussing it further, I proposed him. "Yes, I love you." He understood my serious tone, and silence sustained for few minutes. I continued explaining him, whatever I felt or him; but everything went wrong. We finally concluded our call with no phone calls from now onwards. I was pissed off with his reaction, and I didn’t received any of his calls that night. Missed calls followed non replied smses.

It took time but I realized I was forcing him to be in my shoes, but that can't happen. If you plan to come out to someone, give him/her the proper time to digest the truth. In the end, things will be surely well. I experienced, so I can assure. I called him, but now it was time for missed calls on his cell. He was not receiving my calls. And finally I received a text message from him, “Be strict to your decision." I messed up with the relation I loved the most. A month passed with no exchange of words, and even none of our friends noticed that. Ego redefined our relation; a relation of acting like strangers. But, I knew everything will sort out with time.


In the mid of May, I discovered a video on youtube of NDTV Salaam Zindagi (broadcasted on 7th august 2008); followed by few more good videos. That was the time when I was reborn with the pseudonym Karan. I thought of explaining him everything again and in a new way, and he gave all his ears to my words. I showed him my fake profile and those videos. What I was unable to do, Karan did. Ironically, what I was unable to do, I did. He reacted differently this time, I must say positively this time. But still one question was hanging around; "Was the decision to quit talking a good option?"


And there came an unexpected answer from him, “I thought you are thinking too much over this topic because of those pranks or may be because of our long phone calls. I thought because of me, you are regarding yourself gay" Under the name of ego, care still was doing its job. And with time the same old understanding retained in our relation. Now I can discuss anything with him. Even he use to show me cute guys, ask about my dates, tease me, support me when I feel low. And I love it. Once he told me,“You don't look like a gay." Hence, I felt the importance of coming out. Not only he, there are many ignorant people around us who regards gays as feminist guys. To scratch out this age old ignorance, coming out is important. And what’s more importance is the way you come out and to whom you come out. Express as if you are explaining a nursery kid, and make sure that the kid really deserves to know who you are.


Mr. XYZ or Karan Sood