What matters in the End?

There was a king who made love with his mistress, behind his wife. And one day, the betrayal landed up in front of Queen. He did all to save his marriage. But for what: Love, family or Society?

As most people perceive gay relationships does not hold much role of society (unless you are out to your circle) and family (unless you adopted a child, both being a rare thing in typical Indian society). So, love is all it takes to hold their relationship. But, why would someone have a physical relationship with some other guy, unless he is not happily  committed with his partner?

"We both are not much connected with other anymore.",

 "I thought he is too seeing someone else.", 

" Even after months of commitment, he never satisfied me.", 

And, the list goes on when one had to blame his partner for the betrayal he devised. But, this story doesn't hold a bad partner. What if they were happily committed for say an year, and then someday, he did it. He had sex with someone else. 

Should he be courageous to tell his partner that he did so, or should he hide it from him? Will his partner forgive him or is it the "The End" of their love story?

It isn't an easy thing, i.e. being faithful in a gay relationship. There is continuous churning of emotions in and around that too when most can't drop those emotions to the people living around them. The kind of relationship I am talking about are all serious relationships. Relationships that hold soul mates theorem, relationships that are beyond parties and post parties, those selfless relationship that everyone desires at a time in life, but unfortunately couldn't meet up the requirements. 

What actually does a relationship require? Why and How it turns with time? And finally what matters in the end? That’s all I will talk about. I may sound subjective over emotions but the subject actually needs that delicate treatment under strong shoulders.

Is love is all it needs? Definitely not. Because love is never a need but an outcome from our needs. You need to be cared, and that might someday turn into love. You desire cuddling, kissing, holding, and that someday makes into love, you need someone to understand you, hold you when you need, and be faithful to you, that makes you to love him or her.

But, do you realize how risky are your needs? Have you ever seen any advertisement of mutual funds, they generally start with a placard saying, "Mutual funds investments are subject to market change, please read the documents carefully before investing." Relationships too hold the same funda. It's not a personal bond, but a mutual one that too subjected to market change. And reading the person is as important as reading those documents. And we read our counterpart to have their care, faith, trust and finally love. Risks are always involved, risk of being hurt, being betrayed, or hurting the other person. The market (circumstances, emotions) is always changing, and it's always up to you how long you will hold the invest in the funds (or relationship), irrespective of the crunches visible in the market.

Relationships these days do start on bed (couch-toilets-cars-etc), but that should and can never be the first document to be read, and if done, the relationship will surly won't last long. Remember, market change is never in our hand. 

As relationship ages, love grows, but it also witness the differences you both hold, which may range from food to positions, ideologies to expressions. There always comes a time when you think you can't take it anymore, and as in gay relationship you aren't bonded legally to be together, the thoughts of break up may conquer your mind. You may plan a betrayal, you may sleep with someone else, but remember what matters in the end? A click of second, and parts of wounded emotions create a trauma leaving behind the pages you both wrote together for your present and future. A wrong stitch may ruin everything you knitted in years. But, giving a chance in love is always feasible.

And you know what matters in the end? It's that he makes you happy out of anything and everything. Remember, this moment is momentary, life's way far beyond this.

The King indeed loved her wife (I know you may not agree), he obviously loved his family, and for the Kings, the society mattered a lot. And, of all he choose happiness. And, he did all to regain it. 

[Written for Gaylaxy Magazine]

Dusk to Dawn (After Sex)

Love consumes all, you agree or not, it does. Be it physically, mentally, emotionally or spiritually, it coins our life to changes we certainly resist of their own reasons. But when I say " it consumes" it takes to no boundary that makes love a villain of our life. Indeed it’s a hero, a savior, but how long a savior will exist without a suitable weapon?

Of all weapons, from trust, mutual understandings, care and respect, one comes with the name called physical compatibility, a mere check of satisfaction measured from two different scales, and even if their values overlap, they doesn't correspond to the same value (Remember the Vernier Caliper  you used in your ninth standard physics lab.)

That particular night, we made love for more than two hours, and we were lying naked on our single bed, holding our hands, looking at the revolving fan over head. Within a few minute, he was slept while I wished to talk. Talk of nothing but our mystic future, of inspiration that binds us together, of reasons to fight for our relationship during the hours that binds dusk to dawn after making love. 

While most of us prefer to sleep after sex, but still few exists who want to talk about serious stuff, talk of sex and just sex, few prefer take a shower, or go out for some time, lit a cigarette, or cuddle like babies. The moment a couple have orgasm, it may induce a certain level of weakness in the body depending on one's own stamina, so sleep after sex shouldn't be blamed anyhow even if it does happen. (And, if both of the partners are working, I know how hard it is keep your eyes open for late nights after the hectic hours at work.)

Sometimes, in few cases, the orgasm is also followed by an inevitable guilt feeling. And the cigarette, shower or being sometime alone helps it out. And, if its natural what makes the other partner to take it otherwise?

Next comes to cuddle after you made love. To cuddle seems sweet and add beauty to it, but if it happens after sex it may turn you irritating as you dying for a sound sleep and the guilt willing for some distance. So even if in this case, the scales doesn't match ignore your emotions that expects a lot. And, maturity is all it takes to make it happen.

But what about the urge to talk? And that too when it might be of libidinous nature and at times of serious emotions. And, this lands up to the situation when one partner prefers to sleep while other continuously gazes the roof or the fan. Remember, it was your words at the first encounter that brought you both together, the way your frequency matched, things clicked and emotions attached with beautiful memories. Your words defines you, not how hot you are, how good you act on bed, the size of your penis or what perfumes you use.

These gradients in expectations and needs may add bitterness in the relationship. If not always, sleep can  be sacrificed before it, when you know it will take just a few minutes, especially when your partner need to talk something really intimate that he can't share with anyone.

And, To talk of sex after sex? I will prefer to sleep, but people vary so does the expectations, and you agreed to do that, that’s what commitment says. 

With a wish for a great love and sex life, I wish for all those happy or not-so-happy couples for the most appropriate weapon for the savior that binds you both.

[Written for Gaylaxy Magazine]

The Making of "KARAN"

11 May, as your updates say, is my birthday. But, frankly speaking its not. You can wish me; I can't restrict anyone's wishes; but I think you must be aware of what you are wishing me for. Lets start with he basic ingredients in the making of Karan: Needs? Confusion? For me, they both contributed equally. And, hence started a new phase of my life, specifically gay life. I can't draw a sharp line between networking or dating; but my needs and confusions required both. Like the real world, it had the certainly similar features: it was different from what exactly looks like. You can find every kind of person right here. A single click can bring a wonderful friend in your life and the same click can introduce a sex seeker to you. More interesting cases were those who start up with friendship but end up with discussions only about sex. I didn't understood why a friend is interested in knowing my priorities on bed ?

So, 11 May 2009 was the day when Karan stepped his first step in this virtual world; when again a gay used a pseudonym to mask his orientation; when again a simple person tried understanding the complicated side of his life; and when I gradually understood Life is simple, take it simple.

I really thanks this virtual world for introducing many real friends in my life. Thanks Snoopy, Raj, Viraj, Karan, Udayan, Aaroh, Shaan, Shaan(2), Muffu, Gibben, butterscotch, Rohith, Soul, Kshitij, Sambhav, Susheel Inaayat, coolguy, Puneet, Vish, Sultry for being such a wonderful friend. If I forget your name, forgive Me.

So now you can shower your wishes over me. Because I am glad, and I am GAY :)

Valentine Night

My first coming out experience.

There was a time when manufacturing of Karan was not yet thought of. All queries that could challenge me to plan out this was under evolution to knock my mind in order to seek for a few questions. Questions that none of my acquaintance could answer, or maybe I was not courageous enough of ask them. There was a guy, precisely 19 year old, decent enough, coupled with usual confusions of many gays, in love with a guy again with the same précised age, who again was decent enough, may or may not be confused, may or may not be gay; unpredictable human psychologies. The best way to substitute these may and may not, or the best way to get answers was to ask queries.

Scratching every corner of my memory, I could collect few dead roses, a wet pillow, a long night walk, many missed calls, few smses (not replied till date), the revealing and the followed silence, still wrapped in those cells. It was 14th of Feb. last year, when finally I decided to face the exact definition of this relation: bromance or romance?

We shared a relation in which there were no blur sides, no buried truth and sometimes no serious talks. Our phone calls many a times lasted till early morning, that too after being together in college. The story even accompanied banter of being referred as gay couple. I enjoyed it but he never did. My curiosity to know the other side or my impatience to know him decided to avoid the pointless bathos in my story. Finally, I expressed whatever I feel for him on the valentine night.

"Yaa, Yaa. I am also gay. Happy and Gay", he asserted to my proposal. If not today, it will never happen, so I decided to be serious. “But I am serious this time."
"So do I. Bro, don't take those pranks so seriously.” he replied. Without discussing it further, I proposed him. "Yes, I love you." He understood my serious tone, and silence sustained for few minutes. I continued explaining him, whatever I felt or him; but everything went wrong. We finally concluded our call with no phone calls from now onwards. I was pissed off with his reaction, and I didn’t received any of his calls that night. Missed calls followed non replied smses.

It took time but I realized I was forcing him to be in my shoes, but that can't happen. If you plan to come out to someone, give him/her the proper time to digest the truth. In the end, things will be surely well. I experienced, so I can assure. I called him, but now it was time for missed calls on his cell. He was not receiving my calls. And finally I received a text message from him, “Be strict to your decision." I messed up with the relation I loved the most. A month passed with no exchange of words, and even none of our friends noticed that. Ego redefined our relation; a relation of acting like strangers. But, I knew everything will sort out with time.


In the mid of May, I discovered a video on youtube of NDTV Salaam Zindagi (broadcasted on 7th august 2008); followed by few more good videos. That was the time when I was reborn with the pseudonym Karan. I thought of explaining him everything again and in a new way, and he gave all his ears to my words. I showed him my fake profile and those videos. What I was unable to do, Karan did. Ironically, what I was unable to do, I did. He reacted differently this time, I must say positively this time. But still one question was hanging around; "Was the decision to quit talking a good option?"


And there came an unexpected answer from him, “I thought you are thinking too much over this topic because of those pranks or may be because of our long phone calls. I thought because of me, you are regarding yourself gay" Under the name of ego, care still was doing its job. And with time the same old understanding retained in our relation. Now I can discuss anything with him. Even he use to show me cute guys, ask about my dates, tease me, support me when I feel low. And I love it. Once he told me,“You don't look like a gay." Hence, I felt the importance of coming out. Not only he, there are many ignorant people around us who regards gays as feminist guys. To scratch out this age old ignorance, coming out is important. And what’s more importance is the way you come out and to whom you come out. Express as if you are explaining a nursery kid, and make sure that the kid really deserves to know who you are.


Mr. XYZ or Karan Sood

Personal Experience

Maintaining few millimeter distance between the paper and pen for few minutes, I let them meet to write something like "Personal experience" for Sukhdeep's magazine (Gaylaxy). The last few occupied minutes didn't questioned me to how to begin, but my mind struck over " where to begin from?" Th minute hand had completed 2 complete rounds after midnight, I, the nocturnal creature, alone in my room trying to compensate my disturbed mind with the serenity outside. Disturbed ? Sometimes, the uncertain voids never let me established the reason behind them.

Personal Experiences, should it my the coming out melodramas or the pretence play that hate playing, my romantic dating or lusty desires thereafter, few break ups, certain confusions, spoiling my college grades or whatever a 20 year old gay experience usually. but what I am thinking right now is why to write a personal experience, and why me? Why to disclose a random page of my life so publicly ?

In this invisible domain, the white as well as the black shades never form a sharp boundary with the rainbow. Internet really turned out to be very helpful in increasing the visibility of the gay world, but when the things are coming out of obscurity, the other side really disturbs me somehow. Personally, being a highly spiritual person, I feel I am really not going on the right track, tracks with hours of chatting, meeting guys and all. Once you getting into it the desires never halts. The contours you try to fit are not exactly made for the given scene. From, personal experience, I feel the young generation should know where to draw to line.

I ponder, Sukdeep's disappointment after going through these loose ends. When i was told to write about any of my life experience, I came up with the gist of my entire gay life. But, if I would having so much control over my mind, I guess I would not be having any of such gay networking Ids.

The voids or the obscure contours, my curious yet disturbed mind and his opinion finally feels its more suited as a blog entry, than in the magazine.