Hope I could step back few years and rectify my mistake. How one can be so ignorant that she can't even know what love is?
After teaching for four years I can understand the child psychology, that too when I can’t bear a child. May be I don't deserve one. May be a murderer doesn't deserve to be a mother. I am the reason for his death- my sweet little brother’s death. And the guilt deepened its root when one of my students few years back raised an unusual question I couldn't answer; or maybe I have no rights to answer his query. How can I say something about love, when I can't feel it around me? I know how it feels like for not being loved once in three years of married life.
One day, when I was preparing for my lecture in staff room, I found him looking at me as if I will understand that his heart; asking me to quit all my work and listen to his query, the query of innocent love. "Yes Beta, come in." A straight no followed my permission. "No, you come out". It reflected his disobedience, but I could sense something was disturbing this 10 year old kid. Kanav, student of V-B, one of my favorite student and more over favorite student of Meraj, my husband; who is his present class teacher.
"Yes beta, what happened to my kid?" The answer to my question was really shocking because I can't remember if I ever had argued or fought with Meraj in front of any of my students.
"Why don't you divorce Meraj Sir?"
I know everyone in the staff knew about the problems in our married life; but how come a ten year old kid can sense this, and without any delay I asked: “Why should I?"
"Because I love your husband and I want to marry him."
I can't laugh at his innocence; I can't even laugh at my ignorance. A single exchange of dialogues brought many dialogues from my past - striking me hard, and this time harder than before. Because I knew the climax; and I was equally responsible for the climax. Climax of my brother's life. Is this the time to rectify my mistake?
"I continued, "Why don't we both love him. He will be so glad to receive love from two lovers rather than one?"
"Yes, but what about our marriage?"
“You don't need to marry a person to love him or her.” (And sometimes, even marriage doesn't help) “Now you get back to your class, recess is over" and he moved back with a smile, yet a "but" on his face.
“I am not feeling well; I won’t be able to take classes in the second half. Please engage someone else to my class" I told our vice Principal and moved to the play ground; because of the advice that bulged out of my guilt.
Mischievous kids; ready for a full-on energy kick to the football. The sun can't stop them. The dust can't stop them. I feel like spending my entire day looking at those kids; but soon the scene changed: ground with a magnificent lavishing hall, football polls with the furnishings, soil with traditional carpet and ‘smiles and excitement’ with ‘sorrow and anger’. It wasn't a dream; I can recognize every character. As if a déjà vu I can even recollect the sequence of dialogues. But the only dialogues hitting my ear were: “Islam doesn't allow a man to love a man; and a sinner need to be punished”. “Because of you, they can pariah us from the society." Alternately each set of words were re-winded by my mind because I knew what happened next and I don't desire my eyes to see that scene: The scene occupied with annoyance and disgust- the scene that forced my sweet brother to destroy him. Everything became blurred behind my tears and it was soon replaced by the scene of playful kids.
It was almost 1 pm; soon the bell will ring and kids will come out of their respective classes, rushing each other to get back to their homes. I, along with a guilt-made-advice stepped towards Kanav's classroom. The bell rang. I asked him to stay in the class. But he wasn't alone in the class, because every student knew it can't be a punishment for hm; might be he may get some extra sweets or something. And finally, I need to shout at them, “Move out of the class". Slowly ... slowly ... with every step they looked back and finally moved out.
Now only we both were in the class. "Mam I may miss my bus". I ignored his plea (I am still an ignorant?) and continued, "Beta you remember what all I told you in the recess?"
"Yes mam, two lovers, more love".
"Yes indeed but you need to assure me one thing- whatever you told me today, you won't share it with anyone else."
I always carried the guilt of killing my brother; but it is a fact that most parts of the society are the victims of same ignorance. They can't understand love is for soul; and soul has no gender. And since everyone can't understand this; so I think one should not come out as gay until he is sure enough that he can explain them what exactly he is as well as they are ready to understand the same. And this will only happen if the other person really deserves to know this actuality. Four years ago, my brother told me that he is in love with Meraj. I can't afford that my brother is gay and that too in love with my fiancé. I told abba everything about him. What followed this was.... The luxurious mansion lost its opulence. The interior may shines but I can hear the walls weeping till date.
But Kanav was a small kid, 10 year old kid. What he knows about love; about being gay; and about this society and culture. So, I decided to understand what all he goes through, what all he feels because more than helping him; I wanted to help me to come out of this guilt. Selfish me, and my selfish thoughts. But I still I had a doubt - Is he really gay? Or is this a random liking for someone whom you love. Since my brother's death I secretly read a lot of books on homosexuality and I decided not to come to any conclusion without any surety. Giving time; and a lot of time was the only solution left.
I want to spend time with him and annual picnic was one such day. I took permission from our principal for organizing picnic for class V this year along with Meraj. For the first time, I and Meraj went for a picnic together. But the plan didn't work as I expected. I can't give time to a single child when I was having the responsibility of the entire class. But it was the first step through which I could feel the love of Kanav towards my husband. He followed Meraj wherever he went; may it be the washroom.
One afternoon, I thought of requesting Kanav's parents to allow him to visit our home for a Sunday. They disagreed. And instead they called principal mam to know what kind of academic session is this. She knew I can't bear a child; considering my motherly desires; she requested them and they made my Sunday- Our Sunday superb.
Everyone thought I can't bear a child; but the fact is my husband doesn’t want to have a child. Because a part of guilt that covers my body is still a part of his heart. He knew why my brother committed suicide; and somewhere we both are the culprits. He never forgave me; and not yet forgiven himself. According to Islam, a sinner committed another sin by committing suicide; and we are the sinners because we are the part of his sins. The only sin of loving someone.
That particular Sunday brought a ray of hope in my life. Not just of freedom from guilt; but being loved by my husband. He kissed me for the first time that day after we were married. Meraj was never a hard man, but circumstance and time changed him a lot. We both were sometimes not able to look into each others' eyes since the guilt was so intense. He fought to his family to marry me. Yes, it was a love marriage which never ever had love after marriage.
We had lunch together that day; all three in a single plate. Because he wanted so. We played lots of games. Because he wanted so. He kissed Meraj and I did the same. Again, because he wanted so; and this is how his parents show love. And here, for him, we all three love each other.
We both enjoyed his company, and unexpectedly because of him, me and Meraj were being happier together. That Sunday followed by many such Sundays. Once a month, he uses to visit our place. Their family also invited us for dinner sometimes. Things changed day by day; month by month and finally year by year. Kanav's love, his innocent love, brought us together once again. I wanted him to lead a good life, I wanted that I should be free from guilt; but there was also something else God wanted. And our destiny was written by Him. When the things went worst between Meraj and me, and we decided for split, Kanav came to our life and changed everything.
Years passed and still Kanav use to visit our place. Now not just we two, but we all four enjoy Kanav's company. We: I, Meraj and our two sons. This year Kanav will pass-out from our school but I know now he is mature enough now to take his decisions. Since past seven years, the day he told about his feelings for Meraj till today; we shared a relation much more than of a teacher and student. He sometimes feels shy of what all he told me; but I love him for carrying such a pure heart. Now, he has a boyfriend too, I don’t know who he is but I am sure whosoever he is, he must be a nice guy. I have faith in Kanav; and I trust my Lord. May be he is not the same innocent kid, but more than that he knows who he is; proud of what he is; and most importantly he knows how to spread love; and how can a person who spreads love in everyone's life be a sinner?
